Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 54

Chapter 54

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When you leave a place, even if you don't deliberately remember what it looked like, you'll notice any changes when you return, no matter how much time has passed, because daily memories naturally become imprinted in your mind.

Similarly, if everything remains unchanged, you can instantly notice that as well. The scene before you will seamlessly align with your memories, clearly indicating that nothing has changed.

For instance, when Xu Yan looked around from the entrance hall to the now brightly lit living room, if not for the memories from the past few years, he might have suspected that he had only been gone for a day or two, or even just a short while – perhaps just long enough for dinner.

The curtains, sofa, carpet, paintings, teaware, slippers at the entrance, the number and colour of the cushions, magazines on the coffee table, the remote control in the bean bag, the placement of the trash bin and floor lamp... Xu Yan walked around the living room, finding it hard to believe – Everything before him, their style, quantity, and arrangement, was exactly as it had been when he left three years ago, down to the smallest detail. It almost made him think that no one had lived in this house for years, so it remained unchanged. But it was clean and tidy, with a few crumpled paper balls in the trash bin and a half-filled glass teapot, barely indicating that someone was living there.

The dining room and kitchen were the same. Xu Yan stood in front of the fridge, looking at the magnets on the door. Some were souvenirs he had brought back from trips, while others were things he had liked and bought online; they looked a bit old, but they were all still there. The message board on the right door of the fridge was also still there, with "Remember to drink yoghurt!" written on it and a poorly drawn smiley face in the lower-left corner, both by Xu Yan.

In the past, Shen Zhi had thought Xu Yan's drawings were ugly and would always reach out to erase that smiley face. Every time Shen Zhi erased it, Xu Yan would draw it again, persistently, never giving up.

Xu Yan stood in front of the fridge until his legs felt sore and numb. He turned and went upstairs, stopping in front of the master bedroom door. Unsure if Shen Zhi was inside, he knocked on the door.

There was no response, so Xu Yan opened the door. The room was pitch black, except for the balcony light. He walked straight to the balcony, where a few empty wine bottles lay askew on the coffee table, the wind wafting the smell of alcohol. But there was no one in sight. Xu Yan looked back and saw the bed was empty, but he could faintly make out a dark object on the left pillow.

His heart began to race uncontrollably, growing heavier and faster. Xu Yan reached for the switch, and when the light came on, he saw the small dark green crocodile. It felt as if a heavy hand pressed down on his shoulder, making it difficult for him to move.

It took a long time for Xu Yan to tear his gaze away. On the bedside table was his old water cup and the book he hadn't finished, lying face down. Xu Yan remembered he had stopped at page 157 – he remembered because Shen Zhi had once casually asked him how far he had gotten.

Xu Yan walked to the bed and picked up the small crocodile, squeezing it. It was the same one as before, soft and slightly ugly, with a little tear at the belly where a finger could fit.

As he stared at it, he suddenly heard a muffled sound from the closet. Xu Yan put down the crocodile and walked over, turning on the light. Inside were the same large wardrobes on the left and right. Shen Zhi's wardrobe was closed, but Xu Yan's was open, with the interior light on. The clothes were all pushed to one side, leaving half the wardrobe empty.

Xu Yan stopped and stood still, his expression becoming confused and shocked, his eyes slightly widened.

Hanging in the wardrobe were still his old clothes, and Shen Zhi was curled up in the empty half, knees drawn up, head resting against the wardrobe board. From Xu Yan's angle, he could see Shen Zhi's side profile, ears, and neck, all red, clearly having drunk too much. Shen Zhi was holding a grey sweatshirt in his arms – Xu Yan's.

Xu Yan's teeth chattered, even biting his tongue, as a fine pain spread. He took a couple of steps forward, standing before the wardrobe, his voice hoarse. "Shen Zhi."

"......"

"Shen Zhi." Shen Zhi didn't respond, so Xu Yan called him again.

Shen Zhi's eyelashes fluttered, and he slowly opened his eyes, gradually lifting his head to look at Xu Yan.

Those ink-black eyes were full of drunkenness and confusion. He looked at Xu Yan for a few seconds, then suddenly smiled, a hazy, unclear smile. He reached out and took Xu Yan's wrist, pulling him closer, as if it were a habitual action. He looked up at Xu Yan, his smile deepening unconsciously. "You're here?"

"I was afraid you wouldn't talk to me anymore." Shen Zhi hugged Xu Yan's waist, resting his face against Xu Yan's stomach, his voice very low. "I didn't expect... to see you again."

He had thought that even in his dreams, Xu Yan would not see him anymore, just like in reality.

Xu Yan's voice trembled, "You've had too much to drink, go to bed."

"You don't want me anymore," Shen Zhi said, sounding a little sad, his eyes reddening, "They wanted to throw away all your things, but I didn't agree, I refused."

Xu Yan's throat moved, but he couldn't say anything.

"You don't want me anymore," Shen Zhi repeated, his mind hazy, mumbling drunkenly. "The little crocodile... that little crocodile on the bed that you liked so much, do you not want it anymore either?"

A sudden swell of bitterness spread through Xu Yan's throat and nose. He tilted his head back and blinked hard. Shen Zhi let go of him, took one of Xu Yan's hands, and placed his own right hand in his palm, looking aggrieved, "Xu Yan, my hand hurts."

"You said..." Xu Yan started, then choked up. He swallowed before continuing, "Didn't you say it didn't hurt, that it was fine."

"It hurts." Shen Zhi lowered his head, pressing the back of Xu Yan's hand and burying his face in his hands, his voice choked with tears, "It hurts a lot."

Xu Yan felt something warm and wet on his palms, dripping through his fingers – it was Shen Zhi's tears. His heart clenched tightly, making it hard to breathe. Xu Yan opened his mouth, taking a deep breath to alleviate the unbearable pain in his chest.

"Xu Yan..." Shen Zhi sobbed quietly. "I don't know how to make it up to you, how to be good to you... You don't want to give me a chance, don't want to see me. I don't know what to do..."

"Then what do you want me to do?" Xu Yan asked him, and also asked himself. It had taken him years to heal old wounds and lingering fears. He had never considered a future with Shen Zhi again, he had long decided to live a life without Shen Zhi. What was he supposed to do? No one gave him an answer, they only advised him to remember the past pain and humiliation and not to make the same mistake again.

Shen Zhi shook his head, choking back tears. "Don't do anything, just take care of yourself, get plenty of rest, and eat on time." He looked up, his face covered in tears, staring at Xu Yan, "I won't bother you, please don't leave the country again."

Xu Yan turned his red eyes away, took a shaky breath, and pulled his hand free. "I'll go get a towel."

He hurried out of the walk-in closet and went to the bathroom, turning on the light. He saw his towel, toothbrush, and cup, all in their original positions, unchanged. Xu Yan turned on the tap and soaked the towel in warm water, tears streaming down. He didn't even have the courage to look in the mirror.

Turning off the water, Xu Yan walked back with the warm towel, but Shen Zhi was already standing at the door, looking a bit dazed.

Xu Yan went over to wipe Shen Zhi's face, who kept his eyes down, watching him. Then Shen Zhi pressed Xu Yan's hand down, cupped his face, and asked with a furrowed brow, "Why are you crying? Did I make you sad again?"

"It's all my fault." Shen Zhi gently wiped away Xu Yan's tears. "Don't cry, okay? I don't want to see you cry even in my dreams, it makes me very sad."

"It's okay," Xu Yan sniffed and wiped Shen Zhi's face again with the towel. "Go to bed."

"I haven't taken my medicine yet..."

As Shen Zhi spoke, he turned his head as if looking for medicine. Xu Yan grabbed him, "What illness do you have that you need medicine for?"

There was a brief silence as Shen Zhi seemed to think. Then he said, "Well... sleeping pills."

"You can't take medicine after drinking." Xu Yan put him on the bed and covered him with a blanket. He noticed the necklace around Shen Zhi's neck, the same one he had seen him wearing in Beijing. Xu Yan asked, "Do you want to take off the necklace?"

Lying on the bed, Shen Zhi shook his head. Then he pulled the pendant out from under his T-shirt, saying seriously, "I never take it off."

The pendant caught the light, and as it turned, Xu Yan saw that it was the Snoopy necklace.

"The chain... is very old, so I just replaced it," Shen Zhi murmured.

Xu Yan couldn't stand any longer and sat on the edge of the bed, bending over and sobbing. He wanted to hide his tears, so he swallowed hard and tried to speak calmly, "I'll turn off the light, you should sleep well."

"Then leave the bedside lamp on," Shen Zhi said. "I'm afraid of the dark."

How could that be? Xu Yan looked at him, he knew all of Shen Zhi's habits, he was very particular when sleeping and couldn't stand even a bit of light, he needed complete darkness to fall asleep.

"Why are you afraid of the dark now?"

"If there's no light... I can't sleep," Shen Zhi said absently, staring at the chandelier. "It reminds me of that time, the day Li Ziyou got married... you said we were really over. I stayed alone in that dark room for a long time and got scared... Every time I turn off the lights, I think of how you looked when you left."

The back of Xu Yan's neck stiffened as if he had lost a battle, feeling drained, and tears silently and continuously rolled down his cheeks. His fingers clenched the bedsheet, then suddenly released. He turned on the bedside lamp and turned off the chandelier. The room was left with just a small pool of light by the bedside. Shen Zhi reached his hand out and asked, "Can I hold your hand? I'll fall asleep faster."

He was so straightforward when drunk. Xu Yan handed him his hand, and Shen Zhi gently held it, then closed his eyes.

But after a few minutes, he suddenly opened his eyes again, asking somewhat anxiously, "What time is it?"

Xu Yan wiped his eyes, looked at the night clock, and answered with a nasal tone, "Three to twelve."

Shen Zhi seemed to sigh in relief. "Just in time, I almost forgot."

He smiled at Xu Yan and softly said, "Xu Yan, happy birthday."

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The author has something to say:

Shen Zhi: Dreamed of my spouse (satisfied).

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: October 4, 2024 by Angel

Edited: October 27, 2024 by Angel