Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 60

Chapter 60

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Shen Zhi returned in the afternoon. Xu Yan mentioned that he would be taking two days off starting tomorrow and would visit then, suggesting Shen Zhi go home and rest first. What Shen Zhi didn't tell him was that he had landed in his city because he had a routine check-up at the hospital today.

Lan Qiuchen had prescribed Shen Zhi a new medication and went downstairs with him to pick it up, chatting along the way. This time, the various indicators on the scales showed a marked improvement. From Shen Zhi's mood and subtle expressions, Lan Qiuchen could also tell that he was in a very good state, the best in years.

"You're doing well now, keep it up," Lan Qiuchen said. "As always, take your medication on time, and contact me immediately if anything comes up."

Shen Zhi was silent for a moment and then said, "I need to ask you a favour."

Lan Qiuchen looked at him. "What is it?"

Two days after losing his younger brother, Xu Yan received a call from Xu Nian.

"Nian Nian, what's up?" Xu Yan's tone was extremely gentle. "Why did you suddenly call me?"

Xu Nian's voice was very cold. "Xu Yan, I know you're stubborn, I'm not going to try to change your mind or interfere with your feelings. As for our parents, think about how to explain things to them yourself, because I won't speak for you."

"That's fine, I wasn't counting on you to help anyway," Xu Yan said with a smile.

"But there's something I need to tell you."

"Hmm, go ahead."

"Do you know Shen Zhi is seeing a psychologist? Is he using that to soften your heart?"

Xu Yan was editing photos. When he heard this, his hand trembled, pushing the model's jawline into a dent in the photo. He calmly clicked undo, released the mouse, and asked, "How do you know he's seeing a doctor?"

Xu Nian realised from his question that Xu Yan was unaware.

"I was accompanying Jie for a prenatal check-up, and in the elevator, I ran into Shen Zhi and Lan Qiuchen. Do you remember Lan Qiuchen? He was at Ji Huai's birthday party, and you even asked him for his business card."

"We were wearing masks and hats, so Shen Zhi didn't recognise us. I heard Lan Qiuchen talking to Shen Zhi about the side effects of the medication, advising him to start with half a tablet and to continue taking the other medications as before."

"They didn't say much else. Later, they went to get the medication, and when they were chatting in the hallway, they took off their masks. I couldn't have mistaken them."

After a while, Xu Yan said, "I see."

"Ge, think it over," Xu Nian paused and said. "Jie tried to reassure me, saying she believes you're making rational choices now and that I should support you more. So, no matter what, I hope you're happy, and I'll respect your decision, just don't let yourself get hurt again."

"Okay."

After hanging up the phone, Xu Yan saved the file, turned off the computer, and methodically packed up his things before leaving the office. However, within a few seconds, he returned to grab the car keys that were conspicuously placed on his desk.

Arriving at the hospital, Xu Yan stood in the lobby, looking at the navigation map to confirm the floor of the psychiatry department before heading to the elevator.

Inside the office, only one doctor was seated. Xu Yan knocked twice on the door. "Dr. Lan."

Lan Qiuchen looked up and was momentarily stunned when he saw Xu Yan, a bit surprised but not puzzled or taken aback by his appearance. He smiled slightly. "Xu Yan, hello."

The sunset was ablaze, lighting up the entire wide street with a fiery glow, as if it were burning his face. Xu Yan drove forward, heading towards the bright light.

Lan Qiuchen's every word kept repeating in his mind, over and over.

"Xu Yan, hello."

"Shen Zhi asked me a few hours ago, 'If Xu Yan ever comes to ask about my condition, you don't have to keep it a secret. Just tell him the truth.' I didn't expect you to come so soon."

"Shen Zhi was diagnosed with severe depression accompanied by moderate anxiety three years ago. At that time, he already had severe somatic symptoms, such as stomach pain, difficulty breathing, and stiff limbs. You should have been abroad for a short time then, and Shen Zhi was preparing for exams."

"His condition wasn't optimistic. MECT, or modified electric convulsive therapy, was a relatively quick and effective treatment for him, but it could have side effects and after-effects, like memory loss and decreased responsiveness. So, Shen Zhi refused and insisted on taking medication and receiving psychological counselling."

"During the treatment, I discovered that Shen Zhi also had an obvious stress disorder, and he had seen a psychologist in middle school. The problem stems from issues in his childhood. His parents had high expectations of him and would confine him if he did something wrong, one direct consequence was that he became afraid of the dark. I believe you understand Shen Zhi's family environment. At that time, although his parents took him to see a psychologist, they also supervised and monitored him even more strictly, making Shen Zhi very resistant, so he claimed he was already well and didn't want to see a doctor again."

"During the two years he lived with you, Shen Zhi liked to sleep in completely dark places. With you by his side, he felt he could overcome this fear and turn darkness into something normal. After completely breaking up with you, he stayed alone in a fully dark environment for too long, causing his stress disorder to relapse."

"Some people with depression tend to ruminate, and Shen Zhi is one of them. He repeatedly recalls painful memories, such as the punishments he suffered as a child or scenes from when you broke up. He told me that what pained him the most was realising he had misunderstood you for four years."

"These memories also appear in his dreams. Shen Zhi has severe insomnia, and after starting medication, he experienced hypersomnia for a while but would wake up intermittently. He said he often dreamt of walking into an elevator without a carriage and falling from a great height. So he resisted sleep, fearing dreams of falling and seeing you leave."

"I don't know if he ever told you this, but he went to Paris a few times every year. One of these trips was for your birthday, and the rest were based on luck, hoping to run into you since you're rarely at the apartment, always flying around the world. But each time he returned from Paris, his condition temporarily improved."

"His workload at the law firm is very intense, with high pressure, frequent business trips, and late nights. But he is interested in this field, and knowing you were returning to the country helped stabilise his psychological state. After several tests and evaluations, his depression was determined to have shifted to moderate, and his anxiety reduced to mild."

"However, after you returned and he faced your rejection, coupled with his misunderstanding that you had a girlfriend, his condition deteriorated again, leading to rare hallucinations. Of course, your rejection and aversion are normal behaviours. From your perspective, I can fully understand your feelings and actions."

"Shen Zhi never told you about his condition. I now think he was right, using his illness to make you soften up would be unreliable. Before knowing all this, your willingness to give him another chance was a form of validation for Shen Zhi, proving that your feelings for him weren't just out of sympathy."

"What I've told you roughly covers Shen Zhi's situation over the past few years. I hope it hasn't put any pressure on you because, at the root of it, Shen Zhi's illness stems from his family. Childhood issues that weren't effectively treated influenced his personality, compounded by estrangement from his family and the breakdown of your relationship, which led to the eventual breakdown."

"Shen Zhi wasn't a suitable partner in the past, and he is well aware of that, so he broke himself down and rebuilt, even though the process was excruciating. Fortunately, you were still willing to give both of you another chance. Xu Yan, you're a very brave person."

That was all. Xu Yan hadn't spoken during the entire conversation, only bowing slightly to Lan Qiuchen at the end as a gesture of thanks and farewell. He turned and went downstairs, got in the car, and drove through the city to the highway without stopping.

The sun gradually dipped below the horizon, leaving only a crimson glow. Xu Yan was glad he was on the highway, where he could drive fast. He thought of Shen Zhi's various expressions, pale, disappointed, despairing, broken, tearful... Many things suddenly made sense, such as how he had lost weight, that time in the hotel in Beijing, "I can love you like a normal person now," how he couldn't stand in the storage room, how Tang Yunyan said he was hospitalised, and how he insisted on taking his medication even when drunk.

It wasn't a sleeping pill, it was an antidepressant.

He remembered what he had said to Shen Zhi that year: Shen Zhi, I suggest you see a doctor, you have psychological issues, and it's no wonder you can't love anyone. You're truly pitiful.

So Shen Zhi had really gone to see a doctor and was indeed diagnosed with a psychological problem.

Xu Yan wiped his eyes forcefully, his jaw trembling uncontrollably. It felt like his organs were being clenched tightly, crumpled into a ball, and rolling painfully within his empty chest.

What should he do? What could he do?

He would rather Shen Zhi had lived carefree, completely forgetting the past, than see him now, vulnerable and broken, having not had a moment of ease in over three years.

Wasn't love supposed to be a good thing? Why had it reduced a person to this state?

The hour-long journey felt interminable. When he reached the city centre, it was rush hour. The flashing taillights and glaring red traffic lights stared at Xu Yan, like King Kong was staring at him, grabbing the anxiety and panic in his heart, pulling them out forcefully, and waving them before his eyes in a domineering manner, making him feel uneasy.

Something inside him was swelling, on the verge of exploding, making it hard for him to breathe. He almost wanted to scream, to release the pain and frustration, to end it all in one fell swoop.

Xu Yan raised his hand to cover his eyes as tears flowed continuously. Trapped in the standstill traffic, he couldn't stop imagining Shen Zhi during an episode, curled up, stiff, gasping for air. What was it like? Xu Yan couldn't empathise.

He was just very tired.

He had never told anyone that he had actually been exhausted these past few years.

He had always tried hard not to think about Shen Zhi, as if thinking about him meant he hadn't completely let go. People often force themselves to do something to prove their resolve, but it's unnecessary if they truly no longer care.

This inner struggle was too exhausting.

That night, seeing Shen Zhi drunk and the unchanged home, Xu Yan couldn't hold back anymore – they were actually very similar. They lived normal lives but never stopped tormenting themselves in secret.

Xu Yan hadn't expected Shen Zhi to hide even deeper, more severe wounds. He never intended to use any means of revenge, but he couldn't stop Shen Zhi from self-punishment. It was too much. Why did it have to be like this, experiencing his love in such a way?

Feeling loved through Shen Zhi's long-standing pain and remorse.

The car pulled into the community, and the sky had completely darkened. As Shen Zhi's apartment got closer, Xu Yan hit the brakes and stopped under a tree by the main road. His eyes were red as he looked through the car window. The white magnolia tree stood quietly under the moon, and a light came on in the second-floor balcony, the door opened, and Shen Zhi walked out.

He stood by the railing, talking on the phone, holding a glass of water.

Xu Yan had always thought Shen Zhi resembled a tree, growing in the white snow by the streetlight on a winter night in Hokkaido, in the wind under the sunset glow in summer, and in the once-abandoned wilderness that had long since been lush with vegetation. Now, Xu Yan looked back, realising that the barren land was now vibrant, and he no longer had to cling to a mirage to deceive himself.

All the emotions that were crying out to be seen at the sight of Shen Zhi suddenly subsided. Xu Yan wiped away his tears, picked up his phone, and dialled a number.

"Hello?"

"Dr. Lan, it's Xu Yan."

"What's up?"

"There's something I need to ask you for."

"Go ahead."

Xu Yan took a deep breath and looked at Shen Zhi on the balcony. Before the tears could fall again, he said, "Could I trouble you to not tell Shen Zhi that I know about this?"

If possible, who wouldn't want to love and be loved with dignity?

He couldn't bring himself to confront the issue. He decided not to ask anything until Shen Zhi was ready to speak up on his own.

"Okay, I won't mention it to him," Lan Qiuchen replied.

Xu Yan's face was a mess of tears. After hanging up, he sat in the car for about ten minutes. Shen Zhi finished his call and leaned against the railing, taking a sip of water.

Not a moment later, Xu Yan received a message from him: You're off tomorrow, right? Should I pick you up?

Xu Yan stared at the screen as it lit up and then automatically dimmed.

He put on his mask, rolled down the window, restarted the car, and drove a few metres forward before turning left. The headlights shone brightly on Shen Zhi's apartment.

Shen Zhi was startled and looked down from the second floor.

Xu Yan sniffled and leaned out of the window, smiling as he waved at him.

———

The author has something to say:

Shen Zhi (innocently): Oh, I was just thinking about my wife, and my wife appears :D

The story is just fiction, but I hope every child plagued by psychological issues in reality can recover and live happily and carefree.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: October 7, 2024 by Angel

Edited: October 27, 2024 by Angel