Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 36

Chapter 36

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The car drove slowly. Xu Yan felt a bit dizzy and leaned back in the seat. After a moment of silence, he asked, "What's going on at your company now?"

Shen Zhi's expression remained calm as he turned the steering wheel. "I'm planning to leave the company."

Xu Yan opened his eyes and looked at his profile. "Why?"

"No particular reason," Shen Zhi replied. "I've been thinking about it for a long time."

There was no need to say anything extra, such as the various conflicts that had been surfacing in his family during this period – or rather, since Xu Yan had left. Shen Zhi initially thought his emotional issues were due to Xu Yan, but later realised that wasn't the case, those conflicts had been destined to exist from the moment he was born.

His mother was a perfectionist with a strong desire for control, and his father was strict and domineering, with the posture of someone in power. This elite family education had indeed shaped Shen Zhi's rational and calm personality. However, it had also made him paranoid, introverted, and indifferent. For the first twenty years, Shen Zhi had moved forward according to a predetermined path, but Xu Yan's appearance was like a stray bullet that lodged into a vital part, causing Shen Zhi to deviate from his parents' expectations and head in a direction they considered "derailed".

Late last year, when he was hospitalised, Shen Zhi called Meng Yuwan after learning that she had gone to see Xu Yan. He asked her not to bother Xu Yan again.

"I just wanted you to hear his current attitude so you could think clearly about whether it's worth investing your feelings in someone like this," Meng Yuwan had told him over the phone.

Shen Zhi asked, "Xu Yan spent four years on me, and he never said it wasn't worth it. What gives you the right to make the judgement for me?"

"Shen Zhi, as the manager of the company, do you know where your priorities should lie now? Do you think just because you're our son, you can rest easy?"

"I never thought I could rest easy," Shen Zhi said, looking through the window at the distant sunset. He suddenly remembered an evening when he stood on the second-floor balcony, and Xu Yan was taking photos in the garden. Xu Yan had looked up at him, smiled, and said the sunset was so beautiful it would be a pity not to capture it... Shen Zhi thought of this and suddenly smiled. "I also never felt like I was your son."

Meng Yuwan hung up immediately, and Shen Zhi knew she was furious.

Their family had never had any intense arguments. To Shen Ming and Meng Yuwan, such behaviour was a sign of failure and incompetence, representing someone's lack of perfection, which they could not accept. Shen Zhi had grown up in an environment of command and oppression, and he once believed that was the best way to solve problems.

In the end, he learned from Xu Yan that sometimes people should follow simple and straightforward feelings.

His family had not taught him how to feel love, accept love, or reciprocate love. Xu Yan had always worked hard to solve his doubts, filling in every blank in his life. Xu Yan asked him, respected him, and tolerated him – Xu Yan never argued with him because he loved him. But Shen Zhi realised he had been too stupid and too cruel, ignoring Xu Yan's love because of a drink four years ago.

After the New Year, Shen Ming began appearing frequently at the company, quickly promoting several professional managers to divide Shen Zhi's power in business and management, forcing him to feel a sense of crisis and admit his mistakes. But Shen Zhi never made any statements, continuing his work as usual. Only his assistant knew that Shen Zhi was preparing various handover documents – he had already made his decision.

"Then what are your plans afterwards?" Xu Yan asked.

Shen Zhi drove in silence without answering. He still wanted to pursue a law degree. He had given it up initially as a compromise to his parents and to become independent quickly. It hadn't felt like a forced sacrifice. But in the end, Shen Zhi realised that once he entered the predetermined path, he was destined never to escape it.

However, if he hadn't joined the company back then and instead pursued his postgraduate studies under pressure, would he have separated from Xu Yan at that time? Shen Zhi couldn't be sure. People always look back after making choices, constantly wondering if the outcome would have been different had they taken another path. But it was meaningless, time would not rewind for anyone, nor would it offer a second chance.

Xu Yan never knew he wanted to study law. If he mentioned it now... Shen Zhi feared Xu Yan would guess why he joined the company and would feel bad.

Shen Zhi actually wanted Xu Yan to feel bad for him, it would mean Xu Yan still cared. But he didn't want to burden Xu Yan and was even more afraid that Xu Yan wouldn't care at all. So, he decided to keep it to himself.

Seeing that Shen Zhi didn't respond, Xu Yan rubbed his temples and said, "Tang Yunyan mentioned that you were strictly controlled as a child. In the past, I always felt I had no right to say anything and that you probably wouldn't want to hear it. But now I can say it."

"No matter what you do, you always succeed, try to make yourself happy, although I don't really know what would make you happy."

Even after four years, Xu Yan hadn't figured out how to make Shen Zhi happy. He didn't know whether to consider himself a failure or to simply suspect that Shen Zhi was an AI.

It seemed like a long time had passed as Shen Zhi quietly drove. Xu Yan was drifting off to sleep when he suddenly heard Shen Zhi say, "You make me happy."

Xu Yan slowly opened his eyes and focused on the small ornament in front of him – the Snoopy he had thrown into the flower bed on New Year's Eve. He hadn't noticed it when he got into the car. Now, he saw it swaying and blinking.

"I'm happiest when I'm with you." The car stopped at a crosswalk, and Shen Zhi looked at the bright red light, speaking in a low voice.

He had been emotionally dull and indifferent, unaware of his feelings while in the moment, or perhaps he had been blinded by prejudices, always resisting acknowledgement. But whenever he reminisced, those years with Xu Yan were undoubtedly his happiest and most relaxed days.

Xu Yan felt his hand being held. He turned to see Shen Zhi still looking ahead. Maybe it was because the car's heater was on, but Shen Zhi's hand didn't feel as cold. He wrapped Xu Yan's hand in his own and said, "Xu Yan, I still want to ask you for a chance."

"If..." He seemed reluctant to recall the scene from that night in Otaru, frowning and pausing before continuing, "If you're not with someone else."

"Just let me pursue you, just give me this chance, the rest, no matter what, doesn't matter."

Whether it was hurt, pain, or even revenge, Shen Zhi had no intention of avoiding it. He was willing to bear it. Xu Yan had experienced everything, and Shen Zhi felt that only by enduring it all over an indefinite period could he be considered to be close to the line called "even", where he could ask Xu Yan for forgiveness.

The red light began its ten-second countdown.

Xu Yan looked into Shen Zhi's eyes.

Eight seconds.

Xu Yan looked at the bridge of his nose.

Six seconds.

Xu Yan looked at his lips.

Four seconds.

Xu Yan looked at his jaw.

Two seconds.

Xu Yan looked down at their clasped hands.

The green light came on.

Xu Yan withdrew his hand. "Focus on driving."

Shen Zhi's eyelashes fluttered as he pulled back his hand and started the car.

Xu Yan continued to stare at the swinging Snoopy pendant. On that night in Otaru, he had used such a clumsy method to push Shen Zhi away. They should have ended like that, passing by each other permanently. Yet Shen Zhi had stubbornly turned back again, asking for a chance, and persistently holding out his hand to him, without giving up.

But what did it matter?

Shen Zhi said Xu Yan made him happy, yet he constantly gave Xu Yan indifference and pain. He claimed those four years were his happiest, but Xu Yan never felt any happiness from him and was always worried, walking on thin ice. This kind of talk would have made the old Xu Yan laugh and cheer, but now it just felt ironic and helpless.

Tired, Xu Yan pinched the bridge of his nose, too weary to respond, and changed the subject. "Did you receive Li Ziyou's wedding invitation?"

Without a clear answer, Shen Zhi lowered his eyes but still responded, "Yes. Are you going?"

"I am," Xu Yan replied. Although he kept in touch with Li Ziyou, it never involved personal feelings. Xu Yan didn't know who her current boyfriend was and felt a bit anxious when he received the invitation. But when he opened it and saw that the groom wasn't Qiu Hao, he felt inexplicably relieved.

Xu Yan always felt that someone like Qiu Hao didn't deserve Li Ziyou. He didn't know if his anonymous letter had played a role or if it was the reason they broke up, but Xu Yan had no regrets. At least his conscience was clear.

"Can we go together?" Shen Zhi asked. "I can pick you up."

Xu Yan turned to look out the window. Streetlights whizzed by, the midnight streets were silent and deserted, filled with mottled shadows of trees.

"No need," Xu Yan replied after a few seconds.

———

The author has something to say:

Shen Zhi: Removing the "CEO seme" tag and becoming an ordinary super handsome guy from now on.

(Li Ziyou and Qiu Hao are the couple where the guy tried to drug the girl on Shen Zhi's birthday.)

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: July 22, 2024 by Angel

Edited: September 1, 2024 by Angel