Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 33

Chapter 33

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Just as he stepped out of the room, he ran into Lu Sen, who was carrying sushi back to his room. Lu Sen paused and asked Xu Yan, "Are you hungry too?"

Xu Yan shook his head. "No, I'm just heading downstairs."

"Feeling sorry?" Lu Sen smiled knowingly at Xu Yan's hurried appearance. "I wasn't lying when I said this hotel was fully booked."

Xu Yan's mind was in chaos. As he walked towards the elevator, he said, "Let me sleep with you."

Lu Sen replied particularly generously, "Sure, no problem."

It was indeed colder outside. Xu Yan left the hotel, paused on the steps, and then continued down. Shen Zhi stood there with his head lowered, motionless, like a still from a movie. Hearing the sound, he looked up. Xu Yan was already standing in front of him, his face visibly poor, but Shen Zhi seemed not to notice. He only softly asked, "Why did you come out wearing slippers? The snow is slippery."

"You're not dressed warmly enough either, it's very cold outside."

Many complex emotions, such as helplessness and annoyance, were suddenly blocked by these two sentences. Xu Yan looked at Shen Zhi's reddened nose and face from the cold, feeling a surge of frustration. He might have been able to harden his heart and say countless harsh words, but he couldn't bear to see Shen Zhi suffer physically – perhaps a severe aftereffect of being a caretaker for four years. As for Shen Zhi's psychological state, Xu Yan neither knew nor cared to know what he thought.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Xu Yan asked him.

"I just remembered you said you wanted to come to Hokkaido to see the snow," Shen Zhi replied. "So, I came."

When did he say that? Xu Yan had forgotten, only vaguely recalling it. He often rambled about wanting to do this or that in front of Shen Zhi, as if there wasn't a single thing in the world he didn't want to do – provided that it was with Shen Zhi. But he knew very well that Shen Zhi wasn't really listening, so many things Xu Yan said were just forgotten by him, a sad habit.

Xu Yan said nothing and turned back to the hotel. Shen Zhi watched his back disappear and then lowered his head again.

At the front desk, Xu Yan inquired if there were any vacant rooms. The receptionist told him there were none. But Xu Yan didn't leave immediately, standing there and confusing the receptionist, who asked if he needed any further assistance. Xu Yan shook his head and said, "Please add an extra futon to my room."

He went back outside, stood on the steps, and said to Shen Zhi, "Come up." Shen Zhi suddenly looked up at him, his eyes bright, but Xu Yan had already turned back into the hotel when he finished speaking.

In silence, they went to the room. Xu Yan rummaged through his suitcase for a pair of new underwear, though it might be small for Shen Zhi. He also took a yukata from the hanger and threw everything on the bed. Then he headed out, saying, "Take a shower."

Shen Zhi stood by the door, unmoving. Seeing Xu Yan about to leave, he grabbed Xu Yan's hand and asked, "Where are you going so late?"

His hand was too cold, like ice, and his whole body was stiff from the cold, radiating chill. Xu Yan struggled but couldn't break free. He said coolly, "To my colleague's room."

Shen Zhi looked at his profile, stayed silent for a few seconds, and said, "I'll leave now, don't go, sleep well."

"I need to discuss something with him," Xu Yan replied. He struggled again, and this time Shen Zhi didn't resist, letting go and allowing him to leave.

Though not hungry, Xu Yan stayed in Lu Sen's room for twenty minutes, eating three taiyaki and four sushi rolls. As he was about to leave, Lu Sen asked, "Not taking some back for your... friend to eat?"

"No, it's not my concern," Xu Yan said. "I'm going back. Goodnight."

"Good~night~" Lu Sen's tone was quite teasing.

The door was ajar. Xu Yan pushed it open and looked at the bed; the futon had already been delivered. When he looked back, he saw Shen Zhi sitting on a cushion by the small table, drinking water. His hair was half-dry, and he was wearing a dark blue yukata. His slender hands, straight shoulders, and sharp jawline had a refined and elegant geometric beauty.

After separating from Shen Zhi, Xu Yan had once tried to tell himself to look more at the world outside to prevent his aesthetic standards from being too narrow. After working at the magazine, he had seen many actors and idols, all with stunning looks, but he never found anyone who gave him the same feeling as Shen Zhi. What exactly that feeling was, he couldn't say, and that was the most fatal part – because he didn't know what it was, he couldn't find a replacement, leaving him with an uneasy feeling.

Xu Yan, at this moment, confirmed he was a die-hard appearance admirer. Even now, he genuinely thought Shen Zhi looked good. After all the twists and turns, he was still that frog trapped at the bottom of the well, his eyes completely blinded.

They looked at each other for a moment. Xu Yan closed the door and went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He originally planned to go straight to bed, but then his WeChat call suddenly rang, it was that annoying Xu Nian again. Xu Yan sat on the edge of the bed and answered. Just as he did, Shen Zhi asked him, "Want some water?"

Xu Nian was just about to speak when he heard another male voice from Xu Yan's side. He immediately became alert and asked, "Ge, is there someone in your room?" It was almost midnight. Earlier, Lu Sen had told him via WeChat that everyone had finished work and was resting, so why was there someone else in Xu Yan's room?

Xu Yan, not knowing why, answered, "No." Actually, if he had said it was a colleague, it wouldn't have been a big deal, but Shen Zhi was sitting alive in his room, and Xu Nian hated Shen Zhi so much that Xu Yan suddenly felt guilty.

"Impossible, I clearly heard him ask if you wanted water," Xu Nian said. "Ge, you're feeling guilty, what are you guilty about?"

"What did you call me for?" Xu Yan diverted the topic.

By now, Xu Nian had forgotten why he had called Xu Yan. He became excited, "Right, there's someone in your room, and you don't want to tell me, right?!"

Xu Yan: "......"

"Ge!" Xu Nian suddenly raised his voice. "It's okay! Let me tell you, there was no one in 2020, so you and Shen Zhi broke up, you guys were destined to break up. Now it's 2021, and there is a one! It's only right for you to meet someone else, am I right?!!"

His tone was so high that even Shen Zhi heard it clearly. He looked up at Xu Yan. Xu Yan's face was emotionless. If he were guilty, the law would punish him instead of letting his idiot brother torment him.

"When you were four, you climbed up to the third-floor balcony with a kite on your back, wanting to fly down. I shouldn't have pulled you back," Xu Yan said, then hung up the call.

The room returned to silence. Xu Yan took off his coat, pulled back the quilt, and lay down, closing his eyes. Soon, he felt the light dim, Shen Zhi had turned off the light in the living room and walked over. The bed sank on the other side as Shen Zhi lay down too. After several months of not sleeping on the same bed, Xu Yan felt heavy, even a bit stifled, and his heart was filled with a sense of oppression.

The bedside lamp was turned off, plunging the room into complete darkness. Xu Yan opened his eyes, knowing he wouldn't be able to fall asleep quickly tonight. He decided not to struggle futilely and simply stared into the void, waiting for fatigue to eventually take over.

After about two minutes, Shen Zhi shifted, changing his sleeping position. Xu Yan didn't pay much attention at first, still staring blankly into the darkness. But then Shen Zhi suddenly moved closer, wrapping an arm around Xu Yan's waist and pressing his forehead against the back of Xu Yan's neck. Xu Yan instantly tensed up, his back tingling, and his heart started to race.

"Xu Yan," Shen Zhi's low voice travelled up Xu Yan's back and to his ears, very close. He said, "Can you give me some time?"

"I want to pursue you," Shen Zhi said. "I know it's hard for you to accept, and you don't need to give me an answer right away." Because any immediate answer would inevitably be a rejection, just like Xu Yan's instinctive reaction at the hotel entrance.

"I just hope you'll give me a chance, some time. I'm not like you, with such a good personality and family. I'm far behind you, but I will learn."

His tone was low and earnest, but Xu Yan only felt it was absurd. He never thought he would hear Shen Zhi say he had a good personality – he always thought Shen Zhi found him to be an annoying nuisance.

"You don't need to learn," Xu Yan finally said. "It's impossible for us, I don't like you." He thought that darkness indeed had its benefits, at least allowing one to lie smoothly.

Shen Zhi suddenly tightened his hold, about to say something when Xu Yan interrupted, "Everyone has to take responsibility for their actions. You have to accept the consequences of what you've done."

"There's no other meaning in letting you sleep here tonight, don't overthink it. I'm tired, if you still want to talk, please go outside."

His tone was very harsh. After a moment, Shen Zhi slowly released him. Xu Yan heard him say, "Alright, sleep well, I won't disturb you."

The oppressive silence seemed almost suffocating. Xu Yan's throat moved as he swallowed down the unidentified emotions that threatened to resurface from his chest.

Xu Yan did not sleep well that night. He was a light sleeper to begin with, and in the early hours, he heard Shen Zhi take a breath. He immediately opened his eyes, almost instinctively ready to turn on the light and ask Shen Zhi if his stomach hurt – such incidents had occurred frequently over the past few years. Shen Zhi would suddenly suffer from stomach pain in the middle of the night, and Xu Yan would wake up immediately at the sound of his irregular breathing to get him medicine and hot water.

But Xu Yan quickly reminded himself – now is now.

He remained lying on his side, feeling Shen Zhi curled up behind him, softly gasping and occasionally coughing, likely having caught a cold from standing in the snow for too long that evening. Soon, Shen Zhi got out of bed, tucking Xu Yan's quilt a bit higher. He walked to the bathroom, closed the door, and made a phone call. Xu Yan vaguely heard him speaking in Japanese. Shen Zhi then left the bathroom, quietly opened the door to the room, and went outside.

A few minutes later, Shen Zhi returned. Xu Yan heard the sound of pills being unwrapped and water being poured. He roughly understood, Shen Zhi had called the hotel to have medicine delivered and waited outside to avoid the attendant knocking and waking him.

He heard Shen Zhi coughing, it was a very soft sound – Shen Zhi was obviously covering his mouth to suppress it. But to Xu Yan, it seemed so clear, as if it was ringing in his ears and striking his heart repeatedly.

After a few minutes, Shen Zhi tidied up the table, washed his hands, and returned to the bed. However, instead of going to his side, he came to Xu Yan's side. Xu Yan immediately closed his eyes – though in such darkness, there was no need to worry about Shen Zhi noticing he was awake. He felt Shen Zhi gently touch his hair, his cool fingertips brushing against his face.

Shen Zhi stood still for a few seconds before returning to the bed. He took his pillow, placed it at the foot of the bed, and lay down there instead – likely to avoid passing his cold to Xu Yan. His breathing remained irregular for a long time, occasionally punctuated by muffled coughs, clearly unable to sleep.

The winter nights were longer than the days, but Xu Yan felt that tonight had no end, making it especially hard to endure. They lay awake on the same bed, yet the distance between them was vast, with no possibility of drawing closer.

Xu Yan had once said he wanted to come to Hokkaido to see the snow with Shen Zhi. Neither of them had expected it to come to fruition under such circumstances.

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The author has something to say:

Zhi, shall I give you the "sickly seme" tag? You're disturbing Xu Yan's sleep.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: July 8, 2024 by Angel

Edited: August 24, 2024 by Angel