Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 22

Chapter 22

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After dinner, the two brothers drank heavily. It started when, after the small cake was brought out, Xu Nian suddenly grabbed Xu Yan's hand and earnestly said, "Ge, my birthday wish is for you to have a free, sunny, and love-filled new life. Everything you couldn't get elsewhere, we'll give it to you."

Damn, Xu Yan felt a lump in his throat at that moment and almost embarrassingly burst into tears. Luckily, Xu Nian immediately grabbed Ji Huai's hand and placed it in Xu Yan's, saying, "Cold-hearted bastards are hard to find, but rich and handsome men are everywhere. Just look at Ji Huai, he's pretty good." Xu Yan withdrew his hand and slapped Xu Nian on the head, all the sentiment gone.

Still, he was moved enough to drink too much. Xu Nian got the drunkest since it was his birthday, he had two brothers with him, and his girlfriend called midway to wish him a happy birthday. Xu Yan even promised to go home in two days to kneel before their parents – Xu Nian was overjoyed.

On the way back, Ji Huai drove. Xu Yan told Xu Nian to sleep at his place for the night since his girlfriend was on a business trip and couldn't take him in, nor could they send him to their parents' house, they would have beaten him. When they exited the elevator, Xu Nian was hanging off Ji Huai like a piece of dead weight, and Xu Yan was fumbling through his pockets for the keys. Xu Nian, with a flushed face, watched him for a few seconds and said, "Ge, I also have a key to your place, I'll open it for you." He reached for his keys but mistakenly put his hand into Ji Huai's pocket.

Ji Huai grabbed his hand and whispered, "Stop groping around."

Not counting on his brother, Xu Yan finally found his keys. When he looked up, he saw someone standing at his door.

It was Shen Zhi, someone Xu Yan could recognise even if he turned to dust. Xu Yan's mind was a mess, wondering why he had come again. Just as he was feeling confused, a piercing shout came from behind, "Shen! Zhi!" A gust of wind blew past him as Xu Nian darted forward, swinging his fist at Shen Zhi's face. Xu Yan didn't have time to stop him before another gust of wind blew past, it was Ji Huai stepping forward to pull him back.

Luckily, their neighbours were not at home these days, otherwise, they would definitely have been scolded for disturbing the peace.

"What are you doing here!" Xu Nian shouted angrily, waving his fist. "How dare you come! Look at what you did to my brother, what you turned him into!" Xu Yan instinctively touched his own abdomen, which was flat and not painful – the words Xu Nian said gave him a melodramatic illusion that he had been pregnant with Shen Zhi's child and then lost it.

The scene in front of him was ridiculous, like a cartoon. Ji Huai was the rope, Xu Nian was the vicious dog held back by Ji Huai, and Shen Zhi stood just outside his reach, no matter how far Xu Nian stretched. Shen Zhi looked past Xu Nian's shoulder at Xu Yan, his Adam's apple bobbing as he called, "Xu Yan."

"You're not allowed to call my brother's name!" Xu Nian shouted. "Get lost, or I'll take you down with me today!"

When drunk, Xu Yan's younger brother turned into a melodramatic character. Finally snapping out of it, Xu Yan staggered over to stand in front of Shen Zhi, persuading Xu Nian, "Nian Nian, let it go." As he said this, an emoticon suddenly popped into his head – a small dog holding back a little rooster with the caption, "Chicken bro, let it go." Thinking of this made him laugh inappropriately.

"You still have the heart to laugh?" Xu Nian stood up straight, staring blankly at Xu Yan. "Ge, how can you still laugh?"

"This kind of person, you should have let me beat him! Where was he when you came out to the family and had a falling out? When Dad slapped you across the face and half of it was swollen! Where was he? Every New Year, when I called you to come home, you refused. You said you had to stay home in case Shen Zhi returned after spending the New Year with his parents!"

Xu Nian's eyes were red, and his teeth chattered. "Then tell me, has he ever spent New Year's Eve with you? You love photography so much. When the magazine offered you a job after graduation, you turned it down because it was in another city. You could have been doing what you love for a long time, but you didn't dare go far because you knew your relationship wouldn't survive the distance, because he doesn't love you!"

"He doesn't love you at all, why did you suffer so much for him? What did you get? You were eighteen when you started liking him, it's been six years, almost seven. After all these years of pouring your feelings into someone like him, do you regret it even a little? If you had given up earlier and come back home, like now, wouldn't you be happier?"

"Ge, do you know how much I hated the old you? It was like the whole world had no one else you cared about besides Shen Zhi, but you're my brother... I, and Mom and Dad want you to be happier..." Xu Nian ended up crying, gasping for breath as Ji Huai gently patted his back without saying a word.

For a moment, the corridor fell silent. Xu Yan didn't turn to see Shen Zhi's expression, nor did he dare to look at Xu Nian. He felt guilty. That was his closest brother, who had seen him suffer so much because of Shen Zhi. Xu Nian never said it, but Xu Yan knew how much it hurt him. Xu Yan had been too foolish, living in vague hopes and fantasies, unable to pull away. It was his fault.

He doesn't love you. When Xu Nian shouted those words with heart-wrenching intensity, Xu Yan felt incredibly relieved.

Xu Yan turned, opened the door with his key, and said to Ji Huai, "Take him inside to wash his face."

Ji Huai nodded, bent down to hoist the still-crying Xu Nian onto his shoulder, and went inside. Xu Yan closed the door and leaned tiredly against the wall, looking down at the floor, asking, "What are you doing here again?"

Shen Zhi was stunned, unable to say a word. Xu Nian's words seemed to echo around him, revealing things he had never known – Such as Xu Yan coming out to his family and getting slapped. Such as Xu Yan waiting for him every New Year's Eve, only to be disappointed each time. Such as Xu Yan giving up a dream job to stay near him. Such as... Xu Yan liking him since he was eighteen, a freshman.

When all these previously unknown truths suddenly came to light, Shen Zhi could only think that, compared to Xu Yan's love, his own tentative feelings were utterly insignificant. Xu Yan had loved him to such an extent, and he was still trying to figure things out. Did it even matter anymore if it all started with that glass of wine?

"I..." Shen Zhi's voice was so hoarse that it was almost mute. He swallowed and forced himself to continue, "I just wanted to see you."

"You've seen me, now what?" Xu Yan looked up, his eyes bloodshot, though not because of Shen Zhi – He had decided to withdraw and would no longer have any feelings for this person. He just felt a little sad that he had once loved Shen Zhi so intensely, passionately, tenaciously, sincerely, with his whole heart and soul, but that kind of love hadn't been reciprocated even a bit. Now, he had permanently lost the ability to love someone like that again – he had lost his former self.

That's why love is a serious illness. Without meticulous healing, it's destined to wither away and rot into ashes.

"Xu Yan." Shen Zhi looked at him, an unconscious pain in his eyes. "I didn't know you..."

"It doesn't matter, it's all in the past," Xu Yan interrupted calmly. "It's not important anymore."

Shen Zhi stared at his red eyes, his fingers curling and uncurling like an old puppet. He raised his hand to touch Xu Yan's face, but Xu Yan turned his head away coldly and asked, "What do you want?" – Just to see him? Who would believe that?

"If you have nothing to say, I do." Xu Yan continued.

Shen Zhi was stunned for a moment and asked, "What?"

"The drawer at the bottom right of the desk in your study has a small box with a stack of DSLR memory cards and some USB drives," Xu Yan said. "Please find them when you get back and send them to me, I'll text you the address."

He had left in a hurry, leaving behind many small items. A few days ago, Lu Sen asked if he had any of his old work for some research, and only then did Xu Yan remember that the memory cards and USB drives were still at Shen Zhi's place. From the moment he first picked up a camera, there were hundreds of gigabytes of memories – scenery from dozens of cities, countless people captured through his lens, too precious to lose. He guessed Shen Zhi had probably thrown out his clothes and personal items, but there were very few traces of himself in the study, so Shen Zhi likely hadn't had it thoroughly cleaned.

"That's all, I hope we don't meet again in the future." Xu Yan finished, turned, and pushed the door open. Shen Zhi quickly grabbed his wrist, uncharacteristically anxious, saying, "Xu Yan, wait."

"No." Xu Yan turned back, not struggling, but his gaze decisively separated them by miles. "I've waited long enough for you before. I don't want to wait a second more." He pulled his hand away, walked inside without looking back, and closed the door.

Xu Nian was lying on Xu Yan's bed, his head resting on Ji Huai's lap, muttering, "Shen Zhi must be an ice block. All he did was call my brother's name… And why is he so tall?" He was more sober now, relieved that he hadn't actually punched Shen Zhi, or else Xu Yan would be entangled again.

"Was I too harsh with just now? To my brother." Xu Nian asked Ji Huai, eyes closed and nose red.

"No." Ji Huai looked down at him and said, "You didn't say anything wrong."

"Good." Xu Nian fell asleep peacefully.

Xu Yan stood quietly behind the door for a moment, then walked to the master bedroom. His head was spinning slightly. He gently pushed the door open and saw Ji Huai adjusting Xu Nian's sleeping position, standing up and covering him with a blanket. Xu Yan was about to enter when he saw Ji Huai, still bent over, gently brush his knuckles against Xu Nian's face, his gaze intensely focused as if the entire world consisted only of the two of them.

That gesture, that expression... If Xu Yan hadn't fallen for a man, he might not have thought much of it. But unfortunately, he had loved Shen Zhi for over six years, so he understood too well what it meant.

Why was it like this? One problem after another, Xu Yan thought hazily. God, why did you have to let me see this?

———

The author has something to say:

Shen Zhi: Heading home immediately to find the memory cards for my dear wife!

Xu Nian is straight and has a stable relationship with his girlfriend, so there's no need to worry. Also, Xu Yan's home and Shen Zhi's home are in two different cities, about a half-hour by high-speed train or over an hour by car. Any further and Shen Zhi would spend half his time on the highway chasing after his wife, like a long-distance truck driver (Hello, Master Shen).

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: June 1, 2024 by Angel

Edited: July 14, 2024 by Angel