Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 23

Chapter 23

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He hesitated for two seconds, but Xu Yan didn't leave. Ji Huai straightened up and looked towards the door, their gazes meeting. Ji Huai's expression was calm, so much so that Xu Yan felt as if in that moment, the whole person appeared serene and relieved, as though a long-hidden secret had finally been exposed, no longer needing to be concealed, a sense of self-abandonment.

On the living room balcony, Xu Yan lit a cigarette and offered one to Ji Huai, who took it but didn't light up.

"My mind's a bit of a mess," Xu Yan said.

Ji Huai nodded. "It's to be expected."

"When did it happen?"

"I don't know." The cold wind tousled Ji Huai's hair and brushed his profile. His gaze wandered somewhere distant. "Quite a while ago. I've even forgotten myself."

Xu Yan said: "He's getting engaged."

"I know."

Xu Yan's head throbbed painfully. The more Ji Huai played it cool, the more Xu Yan felt uneasy. He understood the feeling of unrequited desire better than anyone and knew how exhausting it was to love someone impossible. But at least he had spent four years with Shen Zhi, doing everything possible besides loving. What about Ji Huai? He had kept quiet all along, hiding his feelings so well that even he couldn't recall how long he had liked that person.

"You're sick," Xu Yan's voice trembled, smoke swirling around. His eyes felt sore.

"Perhaps." Ji Huai looked down, twirling the cigarette between his fingers. Then he lifted his head, gazing at the dimly lit sky. Suddenly he asked, "Do you know how long it takes to get from London to Paris?"

Xu Yan remained silent. He knew Ji Huai didn't really need an answer from him. Ji Huai continued, "Five-hundred kilometres, an hour and a half by plane, two and a half hours by Eurostar, five hours by car. I've been in London for six years, never once been to Paris."

Because Xu Nian was in Paris.

"I've planned the trip over and over, booked tickets, then cancelled them, many times."

"Xu Nian always talked about visiting me, and I always refused, using various excuses. Three years ago, on Christmas Eve, he said he wanted to spend it with me, and I agreed. At that time, I thought either I keep silent and endure the pain, or I speak up, no matter how bad it gets."

"On Christmas Eve, I went to the train station to pick him up. I had bought a ring, thinking I would either give it to him or throw it away. Who would have thought I wouldn't even get the chance to take it out because the first thing Xu Nian said to me was, 'Ji Huai, I'm in love, she's in Belgium'."

"At that moment, it felt like I had missed a step. I looked down, but there was nothing. It was Christmas, and there were colourful lights all around. It was beautiful, but all I could think was, why is it so cold? Why is London so cold?"

"That's enough," Xu Yan stubbed out the cigarette, burying his face in his arms, his voice choked. "Don't say it."

Ji Huai smiled faintly. "Sometimes I envy you, being able to be with the person you love for so long. Sometimes I pity you, being hurt like this by someone you love."

"We both have bad luck." It took a long while for Xu Yan to reply.

An hour later, Xu Nian's girlfriend, Ye Xuan, arrived. She had come back early to surprise Xu Nian. Ji Huai poured her a glass of water and said, "Xu Nian had a bit to drink and fell asleep."

"Mhmm, then I'll just take a look at him and leave the gift by the bedside." Ye Xuan took a sip of water, smiling lightly.

But Xu Nian's nose was even more sensitive than a dog's, claiming he smelled his girlfriend's perfume in his sleep and woke up instantly. Hand in hand, they left the room, Xu Nian still wearing the bracelet Ji Huai had given him. "Ge, I'm heading back."

"Still dizzy?" Xu Yan asked him.

"Not anymore, wide awake!" Xu Nian laughed like a naive boy. "Jie said she'd bake me a cake when we get home! Ji Huai Ge, I'm off."

"Mhmm." Ji Huai chuckled softly. "Happy birthday."

Shen Zhi not only found the memory cards and USB drives in the drawer but also a spare phone belonging to Xu Yan. He hesitated for a few seconds, then charged the phone and turned it on. It required a four-digit passcode. He tried Xu Yan's birthday, incorrect, then used his own birthday, unlocking it.

The phone was clean, with some photos exported from a camera, a few photo editing apps, and gaming apps. Shen Zhi opened Weibo and found an account with a username composed of random letters and numbers, with no followers and no following, like a zombie account. Clicking on the user profile, Shen Zhi realized it was Xu Yan's alternate account, with all Weibo posts set to private.

The first Weibo post was over six years ago.

2014

[Military training, so tiring.

Barbecue, so fragrant.

Shen Zhi, so handsome.]

[Bumped into Shen Zhi in the cafeteria, and accidentally spilled his orange juice..........]

[I didn't expect Shen Zhi to come to the Halloween party, and he came dressed in a traditional Chinese costume.

I talked to him, saying your cosplay of Emperor Taizong is quite good-looking, Shen Zhi said thank you.

Later, my roommate told me that Shen Zhi cosplayed as an embroidered uniform guard......]

[On Christmas Eve, I thought about hanging an apple on Shen Zhi's car door, but when I went over, I saw that it was already full of them.

He drives a BMW, he's been driving a BMW to school since his freshman year, I hate the rich.]

[Shen Zhi, happy birthday.]

2015

[At the basketball game, took lots of photos of Shen Zhi, he has such long legs.]

[At midnight, I sent Shen Zhi a Happy New Year message, no reply, he probably doesn't even know who I am.]

[Why is winter break so long, looking forward to school starting again, let's see if Shen Zhi has gotten more handsome.]

[Played basketball with Shen Zhi again.

Don't know which bastard stepped on my foot, really pissed me off.]

[Shen Zhi, happy birthday.]

2016

[My birthday, confessed to Shen Zhi, failed.

It's okay, it's normal.]

[Hiding is so tiring, really want to talk to you.]

[Shen Zhi, happy birthday.

Kissed, even touched, feels unreal.]

[Indeed unreal, not calling for me.]

[Shen Zhi said we could give it a try.

I said okay.]

2017

[Sent Shen Zhi a Happy New Year message, still no reply.]

[On Valentine's Day, got drunk with Shen Zhi.

Hands tied, even blindfolded me.

But I still saw it.

1......8......c...... m......]

[Shen Zhi doesn't remember today is my birthday.]

[Shen Zhi, happy birthday.]

2018

[Sent Shen Zhi a Happy New Year message, no reply again.]

[A bit tired, don't know why.]

[Went home, came out, got beaten, face swollen for three days.]

[Shen Zhi still doesn't remember my birthday.]

[Shen Zhi, happy birthday.]

2019

[Moved into Shen Zhi's place, I'm happy, does this count as living together?]

[I thought if we lived together, at least we could spend New Year's together, but no.

Halfway through hanging out with friends, I intentionally came back home, and waited a long time, Shen Zhi didn't come back.]

[A bit uncomfortable, never had a fight, but it's worse than a fight.]

[Shen Zhi is an expert at silent treatment.

Can't say that, he's always been like this.

Alright, maybe I'm just being petty.]

[I just wanted to hear you say happy birthday, why do you always forget.]

[Shen Zhi, happy birthday.]

2020

[Chinese New Year, waited for over two hours, Shen Zhi still didn't come back.]

[Tired, a bit out of breath.]

[So tired, it's been so long, when will you look at me a little more, say a few more words to me.]

[Sometimes I feel like I'm not even as good as a stranger in front of you.]

[Waiting for you to love me is so painful, when I realise that maybe I'll never wait for this in my life.]

[Wish my dad could slap me again, maybe this time it could wake me up.

But it's been two years since I went home.

Xu Yan, you idiot.]

[Always following behind you, really tired.

Shen Zhi, look back at me.]

[I guess it's not that you don't remember my birthday.

It's that you don't care.]

[So it's not that you don't dislike birthdays, you just don't like me celebrating them for you.

Forget it, happy birthday.]

[The girl you're getting engaged to is really beautiful.]

[It's okay, at least I'm guilt-free in this relationship.

Goodbye.]

The few posts this year, looking at the client, were probably posted by Xu Yan using his usual phone. He seems to have forgotten where he put his spare phone. There aren't many Weibo posts, but Shen Zhi sat in front of his desk for a long, long time, reading every word and sentence meticulously. When he finally put down his phone, his eyes were sore and his temples throbbed painfully. He slowly leaned over the desk, burying his face in his arms, trembling all over as he gasped for breath.

It wasn't that he didn't know some things, but seeing those emotions recorded from Xu Yan's perspective felt like reliving these six-plus years. Countless feelings deepened, intensified, and became more painful with every word, every punctuation mark turning into a needle, piercing through the cracks in his heart, filling it up. With each heartbeat, his entire chest ached, spreading throughout his body without exception.

He found the sleeping pills hidden by Xu Yan in another drawer, with a circle of notes on the medicine bottle in Xu Yan's handwriting: Why are you looking for it again?! Isn't it enough for me to sleep with you?!

It used to be enough, but now you're gone, so it's not enough anymore.

That night, Shen Zhi took half a sleeping pill, but strangely he still couldn't sleep, instead sinking into one dream after another.

He dreamt of the first time he saw Xu Yan, which was actually before that barbecue stall, during military training under the scorching sun. Xu Yan secretly ran to the sink to wash his face, even wetting half of his head, shaking his head like a puppy while quietly joking with classmates. Shen Zhi happened to pass by and remembered that face.

He dreamt of the basketball court, whenever he looked at Xu Yan, his camera was always aimed at himself. He had seen those so-called candid shots, and he had seen the signature "Photographer Xu Yan" in the posts. He remembered. Many times, he wanted to ask Xu Yan what he had taken, to show him, but Xu Yan always stood far away, avoiding eye contact.

He dreamt of the school's festival, where Xu Yan went on stage to play guitar and sing a solo. That night, he sat in the second row, the spotlight was on Xu Yan, but it seemed like Xu Yan was always looking at him. His singing voice was clear and beautiful – In this noisy and tumultuous world, what is real, stumbling and smiling foolishly to buy a cup of juice for you. Even if it's mundane and hurried, I'll protect you wholeheartedly, every minute and every second, year after year, day after day.

He dreamt of Xu Yan's nervous and awkward expression as he confessed to him. He dreamt of the night of his birthday when he got drunk and kissed Xu Yan for the first time, and later Xu Yan whispered happy birthday in his ear. He dreamt of their first night together on Valentine's Day, Xu Yan was blindfolded, arms wrapped around his neck, whispering softly, "I like you, Shen Zhi, I like you." Then that voice choked up, and Xu Yan said in a moment of lost composure, "Shen Zhi, it seems you've never said you liked me," but he never answered.

He dreamt of Xu Yan's laughter, dreamt of Xu Yan's expressions when he spoke, dreamt of the expectation and hesitation in Xu Yan's eyes, dreamt of the time when his wrist was injured, when Xu Yan came with fish soup and bandaged gauze, and he later learnt that Xu Yan burned his hand while cooking fish soup... It wasn't a dream, it wasn't a dream at all, all of it was vivid memories – how could he lose Xu Yan?

The sleeping pills completely failed. Waking in the dead of night, Shen Zhi sat up in the dark room, repeatedly asking himself how he could accept losing Xu Yan like this. Clearly, Xu Yan loved him so much, clearly they actually... loved each other. But someone held a grudge over a drink from four years ago, accustomed to coldness and awkwardness, always evading, never willing to admit, always.

———

The Little Things That Matter Most, Mayday

The author has something to say:

Shen Zhi: Wife, I miss you so much that I can't sleep.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: June 28, 2024 by Angel

Edited: July 20, 2024 by Angel