Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 57

Chapter 57

---

Shen Zhi hadn't expected Xu Yan to say that, leaving him momentarily stunned. It was as if he were standing at the edge of a rooftop, ready to jump, when a light tug on his coat stopped him. The pull wasn't strong enough to hold him back, but it did evoke the last bit of his desire to survive.

He turned around, wanting to see what had stopped him, but all he saw was a thick, white fog.

"You..." Shen Zhi knew he was speaking and what he was saying, but he seemed unable to hear his own voice. His gaze was unfocused as he hoarsely asked, "What did you say?"

"Don't pretend to be deaf," Xu Yan replied.

The fog suddenly cleared, and Shen Zhi stood on the rooftop in the wind. Looking back, he saw that the person who had stopped him was Xu Yan – the Xu Yan from nine years ago, the Xu Yan from seven years ago, the Xu Yan from three years ago, and the Xu Yan of now. All these versions of Xu Yan overlapped, his youthful features had become more mature, the once-inquisitive eyes now held certainty, and the tears had transformed into a glimmer of sunset reflected in his eyes. The time difference had been rectified, and the words were clearly remembered.

Xu Yan had said: We can try.

Shen Zhi had once spoken the same words to Xu Yan, filled with a mix of confusion and ambiguous emotions. His probing, hesitation, and misunderstandings had caused Xu Yan great pain and torment for a long time, leaving Xu Yan disheartened.

Those words had been the start of their mistakes, but Xu Yan now made them a new beginning.

Shen Zhi's heart started beating again at that moment, rapidly accelerating, as if it would burst out of his chest. He felt like someone who had been drowning for a long time, finally rescued and brought ashore, standing in the sunlight, able to breathe freely again. However, the sudden rush of oxygen made him dizzy, and he almost lost his balance – prompting a reaction that made him feel he needed to call Lan Qiuchen.

"Xu Yan..." Shen Zhi wanted to reach out and hug him, but he feared it was a dream that would shatter at his touch. He was caught in a dilemma, his hand raising and lowering.

Xu Yan calmly said, "I'm not like you, when I say 'try,' I mean seriously trying, with the right mindset and treating it well. If it works, we'll start over, if not, we'll let it go, do you accept?"

If they still couldn't establish a good relationship now, it would mean they truly weren't suitable for each other, and they could accept that loss willingly.

Shen Zhi tried hard to take in Xu Yan's words, analysing them carefully in his mind, and finally realised that Xu Yan genuinely wanted to try again with him, and if they could – they would be together once more.

It felt like his heart was being thrown down from a great height, about to crash to the bottom and shatter. Shen Zhi had no intention of saving himself, yet somehow, he was caught unharmed and gently placed on a cloud. It was unbelievable.

"Why do you look like you're taking an exam?" Xu Yan looked at him. "Is what I said that hard to understand?"

"What if this is a dream?" Shen Zhi asked a question that might have seemed foolish to Xu Yan but was crucial to him.

But Xu Yan didn't seem to think it was foolish. He reached out and pinched Shen Zhi's face lightly, asking, "Does it hurt?"

He could understand Shen Zhi's feelings better than anyone because, back then, when he heard the words "we can try," he also thought he was dreaming.

Shen Zhi nodded. It hurt, so it was real – or at least seventy percent likely to be real.

Suddenly, Shen Zhi felt very aggrieved and sad. He had had many similar dreams, waking up repeatedly in disappointment. Many times, he had asked Xu Yan if it was a dream, and Xu Yan had always said it wasn't, deceiving Shen Zhi countless times.

But this time, Xu Yan pinched his face and asked if it hurt.

His eyes stung, a sharp ache spreading from the back of his neck, through his head, to his eyes and nose. Shen Zhi took a breath, then suddenly reached out and hugged Xu Yan. Xu Yan stumbled backwards, but Shen Zhi held him tightly, burying his face in Xu Yan's neck, tears rolling down his neck.

Xu Yan returned to his senses, hesitated for a moment, then raised his hand to hug Shen Zhi's back, awkwardly patting him as he said, "We'll talk about the rest when I get back, I have to go to the airport."

"Where are you going on your business trip?" Shen Zhi asked with a nasal tone.

"Greece." After saying that, Xu Yan immediately remembered how Shen Zhi had gone to Japan to find him that year, so he quickly added, "Don't come."

Shen Zhi ran through his thoughts – the Schengen visa had long expired, so even if he wanted to go, it was too late.

"I'll wait for you to come back," Shen Zhi said. He loosened his grip a bit, holding Xu Yan and looking him in the eye. The distance was close enough, but neither made a move to kiss, they were still in a buffering stage.

"Then I'll leave first." Xu Yan lowered his eyes, looking at Shen Zhi's tear-filled, red eyes that looked utterly pitiful. "Take care of yourself."

"You too."

They were being quite polite. Xu Yan got into the car and saw Shen Zhi standing there with a dazed expression, still looking lost. After a moment's thought, he rested his elbow on the window and said to Shen Zhi, "Come here."

Shen Zhi took two steps towards him and bent down. Xu Yan tilted his chin up and kissed him on the corner of his mouth.

Before Shen Zhi could react, Xu Yan turned back and drove away.

Watching Shen Zhi's figure in the rearview mirror, Xu Yan touched his chest—his heart was pounding hard, but it felt good.

Shen Zhi was snapped back to reality by the ringing of his phone. He answered, and Lan Qiuchen asked him, "How was it?"

"What?"

"Can you hear me?" Lan Qiuchen sounded anxious. "What's your current condition?"

Condition? Shen Zhi looked at the package in his hand and slowly said, "I'm in a relationship."

Goodness, was he hallucinating? Lan Qiuchen instantly became worried. "Where are you now? I'll come find you immediately."

"I'm very clear-headed," Shen Zhi replied. "Xu Yan said we could try."

After a long silence, Lan Qiuchen asked, "What's going on? How did it happen that you decided to give up, and Xu Yan then agreed?"

"Because he's kind, he's really good."

"......"

In truth, Lan Qiuchen was more worried about the potential consequences than the immediate joy. If Xu Yan's soft-heartedness was just a fleeting whim and something went wrong later, it would be a second blow to Shen Zhi, one he absolutely couldn't bear.

But for now, they could only take it one step at a time, Lan Qiuchen couldn't just pour cold water on the only remedy that was keeping Shen Zhi afloat. He chuckled and said, "Remember to take deep breaths, are you about to pass out?"

"Almost, but I'm standing steady," Shen Zhi said, looking up at the sky. It was almost dark, with a deep red hue left. He added, "I really couldn't stand steadily, so I hugged Xu Yan."

"Very good, congratulations. Remember to take your medication when you go back and come see me on time. Now that you're on vacation, don't stay up late. Chat with your boyfriend more often and keep your spirits up."

"He's not my boyfriend yet, Xu Yan only said we could try."

"Then why did you just tell me you're in a relationship?"

"Is that not allowed?"

"...... It is."

On the drive back, Shen Zhi looked out the car window. For the first time in years, he noticed how green the leaves were, how bright the city's lights were, how clear the sound of traffic was, and how bustling the people were – he realised he was one of them, a living person.

He realised that besides endless pain and darkness, he could also experience the tastes of anticipation, joy, and hope.

Starting a long-distance relationship just after confirming their status was almost depressing, especially since, even while on vacation at home, Shen Zhi still had a lot to handle. Apart from not having to fly around for business trips, everything else was much like when he was working, which to some extent distracted him.

That night, Shen Zhi texted Xu Yan to ask if he had boarded the plane, and Xu Yan replied that he had and was waiting for takeoff.

Shen Zhi: Get some sleep on the plane, don't overexert yourself.

Xu Yan: Okay.

And that was it.

During the day, Xu Yan was busy with filming, and with the time difference, by the time he returned to the hotel, it was already midnight where Shen Zhi was – he was adjusting his sleep schedule, taking sleeping pills every night and going to bed on time. It had been several days since he stayed up late. They didn't talk much, and their attitudes were restrained, but Shen Zhi's motivation every day was to wake up and check his phone, using the chat logs to confirm that he wasn't dreaming.

On the sixth day, Shen Zhi went to the clinic, and the first thing Lan Qiuchen said to him was, "Lawyer Shen, that's enough, stop smiling."

Today was the seventh day, and Shen Zhi hadn't specifically asked when Xu Yan would return. He had previously mentioned seven or eight days, so Shen Zhi had looked into the flights and figured Xu Yan would arrive the afternoon the day after tomorrow.

But in the evening, after Shen Zhi had finished his shower, he saw his phone light up. Picking it up, he saw a message from Xu Yan: I'm here.

At the airport? Shen Zhi's heart started racing, feeling a bit dizzy. He hadn't even dried his hair when he grabbed his car keys and headed downstairs. He knew he wouldn't make it in time to pick Xu Yan up from the airport, especially since Xu Yan had a driver. While typing a message to Xu Yan saying he was on his way to his house, he heard the sound of the door unlocking in the living room. The door opened, and Xu Yan walked in, dragging a suitcase.

This was even more unbelievable than his early return to the country. Shen Zhi stood on the stairs, staring at him in a daze.

Shen Zhi was completely unprepared, never expecting Xu Yan to come straight here after getting off the plane. Everything in the house was still the same as before, what would Xu Yan think? Shen Zhi felt Xu Yan looked calm – whether he hadn't noticed or didn't think it mattered, he couldn't tell.

Xu Yan looked up at him and, after a moment's pause, said, "I came back early."

Hesitation was unnecessary. Shen Zhi quickly walked down the stairs, approached Xu Yan, and took his suitcase. The two stood in an awkward silence for a moment before Shen Zhi said, "Take a shower and rest for a bit."

Xu Yan nodded, not saying a word, he was genuinely exhausted.

Upstairs, Shen Zhi placed the suitcase in the closet. Xu Yan followed, opened it, and looked for pyjamas and underwear. Shen Zhi squatted beside him, watching, and reached out to touch a small bruise on Xu Yan's jaw, asking, "What happened here?"

"I fell while shooting, but luckily," Xu Yan said, "luckily the camera was fine."

"I'll apply some medicine after you shower."

Honestly, everything now felt unfamiliar to both of them, and they were both navigating how to get along again. Xu Yan didn't know how to respond to Shen Zhi's concern, so he just nodded. He glanced sideways and noticed Shen Zhi was also looking at him, and Xu Yan quickly turned his head away.

As Xu Yan showered, Shen Zhi stood in the room, the sound of water echoing in his heart, making him feel drenched. He couldn't help but look at his palm, it was dry – he hadn't gotten wet.

The bathroom door opened, and Xu Yan came out, drying his hair. He walked to the bed and flopped down, weakly saying, "I'll sleep for a bit."

"Your hair needs to be dried." Shen Zhi went to get the hairdryer.

Xu Yan grabbed the small crocodile plush and hugged it, turning to rest his head on the edge of the bed. Shen Zhi sat beside him, drying his hair. The sound of the hairdryer filled the room, and Xu Yan felt drowsy. Shen Zhi's fingers massaged his scalp, and Xu Yan felt like it wasn't real. In this suspended state, he closed his eyes – perhaps it was indeed fake, but he didn't want to find out right now.

He wasn't sure when the hairdryer stopped, perhaps it had been off for some time when he realised it. Xu Yan slowly opened his eyes – there was no sudden scene change back to his own home. He was still in Shen Zhi's room, lying on the bed, with a blanket over him and the small crocodile plush warming in his arms. He turned his head, and Shen Zhi was still sitting there beside him.

"You've only slept for half an hour." Shen Zhi gently pushed his hair away from his forehead, looking down at him.

It felt like he'd only closed his eyes for a moment, yet half an hour had passed – Xu Yan thought. He looked up at Shen Zhi, noticing that only one layer of the curtains was drawn, allowing some light to filter in. Shen Zhi's outline was faint in the dim light.

Xu Yan suddenly said, "You've lost weight."

You've lost weight. This phrase often came up during the first meeting after a long separation, but Xu Yan only said it now because it was only at this moment that he could say it.

"I've lost a bit of weight." After a long pause, Shen Zhi responded.

Mental illness, chronic insomnia, side effects from medication, high-intensity work... all these things accumulated over nearly a thousand days, it was inevitable for a person to lose some weight. Many people had asked him why he had lost weight, advising him to take care of his health, but why did Xu Yan's three words make him feel the saddest?

He wanted to pour out all the pain of the past three years to Xu Yan, but he was the one responsible for all the suffering, he deserved it.

So he decided not to say anything.

Shen Zhi took some medicine from the bedside table and turned on the lamp. "Let me put some medicine on that."

"Oh." Xu Yan turned over, resting his head on Shen Zhi's lap, exposing his jaw.

Shen Zhi gently applied the medicine to the bruised skin. The room was quiet, a peaceful scene, but why was his heart racing so fast? He was afraid Xu Yan would hear it.

If this was a dream, if it was a hallucination, let it stay here, don't wake up.

———

The author has something to say:

Shen Zhi (in love): Gently massages my wife's temples.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

Previous Chapter | TOC | Next Chapter

Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: October 5, 2024 by Angel

Edited: October 27, 2024 by Angel