Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 50

Chapter 50

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"You..."

Just as Xu Yan began to speak, Shen Zhi lowered his head and opened the transparent bag in his hand, taking out a dry suit jacket. He walked a few steps and draped it over Xu Yan. Then he took out a McDonald's bag, still warm, and handed it to Xu Yan.

"I was in too much of a hurry and only bought this," Shen Zhi said hurriedly, wiping the rain off his chin. "Eat something first."

Xu Yan had come over right after the shoot and hadn't had lunch yet, his stomach was empty. He reached into his pocket for some tissues to wipe Shen Zhi's face but realised the tissues were in his backpack. Xu Yan said, "Let's go over there, there are chairs."

They sat down at the table. Xu Yan was still a bit dazed, he handed Shen Zhi some McDonald's napkins. "Wipe your face."

Shen Zhi took the napkins but didn't wipe his face immediately. Instead, he took a bottle of mineral water from the bag, unscrewed it, and placed it in front of Xu Yan.

Xu Yan didn't eat but instead took out more tissues from his bag and piled them in front of Shen Zhi. "Wipe quickly."

"Okay."

He was indeed hungry. Xu Yan took a few bites of the burger and swallowed. "How did you get here?"

"A speedboat."

"Don't you need a..." Xu Yan wanted to say that operating one required a licence, then suddenly remembered that before Shen Zhi was Lawyer Shen, he was President Shen, and he had a yacht licence. He wondered if President Shen's yacht had been sold.

Xu Yan said, "Driving in such heavy rain is dangerous."

"It only started raining halfway."

"Just got back from a business trip?" Xu Yan guessed, as Shen Zhi had been absent for almost a week. According to common sense, it must have been a business trip, Xu Yan had already figured out the pattern.

"Mhmm."

"Take more rest when you have time, spending it on me isn't necessary," Xu Yan said.

"It is necessary, you're important." Shen Zhi clearly didn't want to discuss it. "Eat quickly."

Xu Yan stopped talking and focused on eating. The torrential rain continued. After Xu Yan finished, he cleaned up the wrappers. They sat under a tree, where it was very dark. Xu Yan glanced at Shen Zhi, turned his head to rummage through his backpack, and finally found a towel at the bottom.

"Dry your hair." Xu Yan handed him the towel and took off his suit jacket. "Take off your shirt and put on the jacket."

Shen Zhi took the towel and wiped his hair. "It's fine, it's not cold. It's cooled down, you wear it."

"Don't you think your words are contradictory?" Xu Yan asked him.

Contradictory or not, Shen Zhi didn't know. He only felt dizzy, shivering intermittently, while his head felt hot. This time, the project was tight on time, and he had stayed up several nights. His total sleep time each day was less than four hours, and he had gotten soaked in the rain. He figured he probably had a fever.

Realising this, Shen Zhi suddenly felt very tired. He moved his chair closer to Xu Yan, and at that moment, the exhaustion almost overwhelmed him. He held Xu Yan's hand, slowly intertwining his fingers with Xu Yan's one by one. Finally, they clasped hands tightly. Shen Zhi lowered his head, resting it on Xu Yan's shoulder, and said softly, "Don't let go, let me hold you for a while."

"Just five minutes," he added.

Xu Yan felt something was off with him, but it was too dark to see Shen Zhi's face clearly. He draped the jacket over Shen Zhi with one hand, thinking it over. That McDonald's meal must have cost about sixty yuan. Shen Zhi had braved the rain to deliver it, which added nine yuan to the delivery fee. One should reciprocate kindness.

"If you're tired, go back and rest, what's the point of coming here?" Xu Yan said.

Shen Zhi closed his eyes. He was counting down the five minutes in his mind, but Xu Yan's question interrupted his countdown. Shen Zhi answered somewhat irrelevantly, "There was thunder."

"I'm not afraid of thunder," Xu Yan said honestly, he really wasn't.

"I'm afraid," Shen Zhi said.

Xu Yan suddenly recalled the time when they used to live together. One night, it also rained heavily with loud thunder. Shen Zhi was in the study but returned to the bedroom within half a minute. Xu Yan was reading and asked what was wrong. Shen Zhi didn't say anything and just climbed into bed. When Xu Yan asked again, Shen Zhi took his book, closed it, and put it aside, saying, "Time to sleep." It left Xu Yan completely bewildered.

Thinking back now... he might have really been scared. Xu Yan suspected that Shen Zhi's anxious knocking just now was because of the thunder.

Recalling the past – Xu Yan looked down at Shen Zhi's right hand and asked, "How's your hand?"

Had he kept up with his check-ups and acupuncture? Was he careful about not lifting heavy objects? Did it still hurt on rainy days?

Shen Zhi's fingers twitched, and his wrist hurt clearly. He remained silent for a few seconds and said, "It's fine, it doesn't matter."

Another thunderclap sounded – three minutes left, Shen Zhi thought. His dizziness worsened. He wanted to find something to talk about to stay awake, but suddenly Xu Yan asked, "Have you wanted to study law for a long time?"

Xu Yan knew exactly what kind of person Shen Zhi was, and it certainly wouldn't be a fleeting interest. When Shen Zhi left the company a few years ago, Xu Yan thought he planned to start his own business or something related, but he never expected Shen Zhi to enter a completely new field and become a lawyer. This proved that Shen Zhi had this idea a long time ago, but Xu Yan had no idea from beginning to end.

"Yes."

Xu Yan said faintly, "I never heard you mention it."

What could he say? Shen Zhi seriously thought about it. In his junior year, he had secretly prepared for the LSAT to apply for a JD program without telling his parents. But at the end of that year, he and Xu Yan got together. If he had succeeded in his application, it would have meant several years of a long-distance relationship. When Shen Zhi decided to date Xu Yan, he decisively abandoned that path and instead applied to several law school summer camps. If he managed to get a guaranteed spot for a master's program, even if it wasn't in the same city, he could still transfer back during internships, which wouldn't be a big problem.

Whether going abroad or to another city, Shen Zhi wasn't willing to envision Xu Yan giving up anything to be with him. Since he was the one who proposed trying to be together first, he couldn't just move forward without making any plans for their relationship.

But after receiving several camp invitations, Shen Zhi then received an email containing several photos of him and Xu Yan – the two sitting in the car, Xu Yan leaning over to kiss him, and all of Xu Yan's personal information, including family members and his family's company. The text, data, and photos were so detailed, even more so than Shen Zhi's understanding of Xu Yan.

That day, Shen Zhi returned home, and the family sat across from each other coldly, as if in a negotiation. Meng Yuwan made a request – give up studying law and join the company immediately after graduation. If Shen Zhi could do that, they would temporarily not interfere with his relationship, letting him play around as long as it wasn't made public and widely known in the circle.

Shen Zhi temporarily compromised. He was always someone who could quickly weigh the pros and cons and make decisions, the only time he hesitated was when Xu Yan confessed to him. He originally hadn't placed too much hope on studying law, knowing his family would find out. He just wanted to try his best. Now, with another weakness, Shen Zhi decisively halted his plans, putting it off until graduation, while entering a cold war with his family.

As graduation approached, they had been together for over a year. If the relationship were to continue – Shen Zhi returned home again, promising to give up postgraduate studies entirely and work at the company. At that point, he had no regrets. One must make trade-offs in life.

He admitted that many of his decisions were related to Xu Yan, even if Xu Yan was completely unaware. But that was all in the past, and despite this, the harm he caused Xu Yan over four years was real – He had planned his path, but failed to reach the passing threshold in their relationship, causing Xu Yan to suffer too much.

Therefore, just this wouldn't make up for it. It would be unnecessary to bring it up now, rather like seeking sympathy. Since he didn't mention it before, he wouldn't now. Shen Zhi understood that what he should do was love Xu Yan sincerely and treat him well now, that's all.

"My family didn't agree in the past, so I didn't think about it," Shen Zhi lowered his eyes. "Later, when I left the company, I still wanted to do what I liked."

"Why didn't you apply to our university? After all, it's a 985 university." Xu Yan paused, then quickly added, "I don't mean to say your current school isn't good, I'm just curious."

Shen Zhi pressed his lips together, omitting the unspeakable reasons, and simply replied, "My current school is excellent for law. One of the professors there was a student of my grandfather. He's a respected elder, and I consulted with him a lot during my preparation. In the end, I decided to apply to this school, and he's now my mentor."

Xu Yan nodded. "That makes sense."

Wasn't the five minutes up? Shen Zhi wondered, but he didn't want to let go of Xu Yan's hand, not at all. Xu Yan had finally softened a bit, willing to sit with him like this, even if it might be out of necessity in this situation... Shen Zhi feared he wouldn't have such an opportunity again.

"Xu Yan," he called softly, "I'm sorry."

He felt Xu Yan's fingers tighten in his palm, then suddenly, they were gone – Xu Yan had pulled his hand away.

Shen Zhi slowly straightened up and turned to look at Xu Yan. "I want to apologise properly. Whether it's a personality issue or you think I was retaliating against you before, it doesn't matter because it was all my fault."

"My misunderstandings of you, the cold violence, making you sad, making you feel wronged, making you insecure, and causing you so much pain, all of it was my fault, I'm sorry."

"Stop." Xu Yan's voice trembled slightly, but it was clear even amidst the howling wind outside.

Such a solid wall, unyielding even when Shen Zhi lost control, Xu Yan couldn't understand why these unexpected apologies were shaking him now. Maybe it was because Shen Zhi's apology was too earnest, not given amidst tears when the truth was revealed, nor said with pain when reminiscing about the past. It came without reason, making it heavier than any previous apology.

"Xu Yan," Shen Zhi's head felt dizzy and heavy. He closed his eyes briefly, "It must have been hard for you during those years we were together."

"If I hadn't misunderstood you, maybe things wouldn't have turned out this way." Shen Zhi laughed at himself, "But you've had a good three years, and I'm happy for you."

"I've been thinking, you lived a better life after we separated, I hope it stays that way..." His voice lowered, "But I can't control myself, I keep wondering whether I can be a little closer to you, I'm sorry."

Xu Yan turned his head away, frowning, only to find his vision blurred. Blinking, he realised he was crying.

Shen Zhi's regret, Shen Zhi's apology, not only crushed himself but also crushed Xu Yan. Xu Yan always thought everything was in the past, that he could talk about old times without a change in expression, or face Shen Zhi with indifference because he had long given up. He just wanted a clean break, never to meet again.

But now, Xu Yan realised such an apology still had the power to hurt him. The longer he held up, the more miserably he would collapse at this moment. Some things are balanced, unavoidable, just like today's bad weather.

"It's a good thing," Xu Yan took a deep breath, trying to maintain a steady tone, "We are both doing what we love now, which shows we weren't suitable for each other. Separation is better."

Shen Zhi looked at the table, shaking his head slightly, "I'm not good, not at all."

"If feeling guilty is making you uncomfortable," Xu Yan discreetly wiped away a tear, "then I'll say, I forgive you."

The rain outside had lessened. Shen Zhi turned his head, staring at him blankly.

"I forgive you," Xu Yan repeated.

He used to refuse to part on good terms, resulting in a painfully deserved end. People have to grow up, even if it starts at twenty-four, Xu Yan thought. He should learn to make peace with his younger self. The love he gave wasn't wrong, even if it wasn't cherished or reciprocated. It shouldn't be denied because of that, the love itself was blameless.

If Shen Zhi wanted relief, if heartfelt forgiveness could make him feel a bit better, Xu Yan would give it to him.

"Let's leave it at that. If you can't accept being strangers," Xu Yan continued, "we can be ordinary friends, nothing more."

Shen Zhi remained stunned, unable to speak. Ordinary friends... Ordinary friends would still be better than strangers. It meant Xu Yan was willing to accept him, even if only a little. That was good.

But phrases like "leave it at that" and "nothing more" felt like a cold splash of water, making Shen Zhi feel as if his heart was being tossed up and down like a drifting balloon, unable to settle. The excitement mixed with disappointment. He knew he should be satisfied, but why was he so greedy, still wanting to ask Xu Yan for a little more?

Everything quieted down, and the rain stopped. Xu Yan stood up, "Let's go." As the clouds parted and the light brightened, he noticed an unusual redness on Shen Zhi's face. "Do you have a fever?"

"No..." Shen Zhi shook his head, gripping the back of the chair as he stood. After a brief silence, he suddenly reached out and hugged Xu Yan.

"Thank you for forgiving me," he said hoarsely.

The waves weren't too big, so they each drove to the dock. At the parking lot, Xu Yan noticed Shen Zhi hanging his head, so he gave him a closer look and saw a cut on Shen Zhi's left ring finger from an unknown scrape.

"Wait," Xu Yan called out, rummaging in his bag for a bandage. "Lift your hand."

Shen Zhi, his white shirt half-wet, hair damp, and lips pale, raised his hands uncertainly. Xu Yan bent down and applied the plaster, asking again, "Are you sure you don't have a fever?"

"I'm fine," Shen Zhi stared at the bandage for a long moment before looking up. "Drive safely when you get home, take a hot shower so you don't catch a cold."

"You too." Xu Yan turned and got into his car, driving away without looking back.

Shen Zhi stood there, pinching the bridge of his nose before gathering his strength to sit in the driver's seat.

Two hours later, Lan Qiuchen came down to the infusion hall and sat beside Shen Zhi. "Out of three hundred sixty-five days in a year, you're sick for three hundred sixty of them, aren't you?"

Shen Zhi didn't respond, his gaze dropping to his ring finger.

"What happened to your hand?" Lan Qiuchen asked.

"I don't know," Shen Zhi replied. "I didn't even notice I was hurt, he gave me the bandage." He looked up, as if his brain was malfunctioning, and inexplicably asked, "Does it look like a ring to you?"

"......" Lan Qiuchen was speechless for a moment, "I'll disinfect it for you and put on a new one."

Shen Zhi shook his head, turning his hand over and over, staring at the bandage. He even held his left hand up while showering and went to the barbershop to have his hair washed, all to protect the plaster perfectly.

"He said he forgave me," Shen Zhi's voice was very low, "He's really good."

Previously, Shen Zhi had been dizzy and muddle-headed, his mind unfocused. Only now did he finally come to his senses, the fog in his mind clearing, and he could clearly remember what Xu Yan had said.

He had been forgiven.

But this forgiveness didn't bring Shen Zhi relief or a sense of lightness. Instead, it deepened his guilt towards Xu Yan. Xu Yan was so good, and Shen Zhi wanted to give all his love, from the inside out, to Xu Yan. He wished Xu Yan would accept it.

Lan Qiuchen was momentarily stunned, happy for Shen Zhi but couldn't resist teasing him, "Then why didn't you let him know you had a fever and come to the hospital with you? It would have been a great opportunity."

"Being sick is my own business, there's no need to seek sympathy for it," Shen Zhi blinked slowly. "He's very busy with work, he should go home and rest early."

Lan Qiuchen: "... Let me change the bandage for you."

"No."

"......" Lan Qiuchen patted his shoulder. "Come upstairs after the infusion, I'll arrange for you to have a check-up, otherwise, you'll be too busy to find time to come again."

"Okay."

As Lan Qiuchen walked out of the hall, he glanced back – Shen Zhi was still staring at the bandage on his hand, very seriously.

———

The author has something to say:

Shen Zhi: Wife... forgave me (dizzy)... Wife... put a bandage on me... (dizzy)

Xu Yan: What's with the dizziness? If you're sick, get treated.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: September 25, 2024 by Angel

Edited: October 20, 2024 by Angel