Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 46

Chapter 46

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It was terrible. Shen Zhi thought, his heart pounding. He had just promised himself that he could love Xu Yan like a normal person, but losing control had happened so quickly that he hadn't anticipated it and wasn't prepared.

Yet, he instinctively wanted to hold Xu Yan. There was a fatal void within him that only Xu Yan could fill.

Shen Zhi buried his face in Xu Yan's neck and closed his eyes. They had only been embracing for two seconds, but he already felt a great sense of comfort. Still, it was not enough, and he worried that Xu Yan would push him away at any moment.

Xu Yan did not do so, however. He had just had a bit to drink and was in a state of delayed reaction. He was somewhat stunned and bewildered. Shen Zhi's embrace had been so forceful that Xu Yan was knocked back against the wall, unable to move. He felt Shen Zhi's body was stiff and trembling slightly. Shen Zhi's face, pressed against his neck, was cold and wet, and his hands were tightly gripping Xu Yan's waist, his heavy heartbeat perceptible – Xu Yan was lost in confusion.

A metaphor popped into his somewhat muddled mind: a child seeking their mother after a nightmare.

"Let go," Xu Yan finally regained his senses and said in a low voice.

Shen Zhi did not move. He smelled the fresh scent on Xu Yan's T-shirt, which was different from before – Xu Yan had changed laundry detergents.

Of course, three years had passed, and many things had changed, let alone the laundry detergent.

Seeing that Shen Zhi wouldn't move, Xu Yan frowned. Suddenly, the elevator dinged, and he immediately pushed Shen Zhi's shoulders to separate them – It was a media staff member who walked towards another room, head down and eyes on their phone, without noticing them.

Xu Yan glanced at Shen Zhi, who was slightly lowering his head, wet bangs covering his eyes. Xu Yan was silent for a moment before he turned to go back to his room.

"Xu Yan." Shen Zhi grabbed his hand, using a great deal of effort, and said, "Can we... talk?"

Just like in his dream, he didn't know what to talk about. He just wanted to be with Xu Yan.

His eyes were red as he looked at Xu Yan, with a faint plea in his gaze.

Xu Yan pressed his eyebrows, his thoughts running slowly under the influence of alcohol. The words "I can love you like a normal person" surfaced inappropriately, adding to his hesitation. Shen Zhi's state is really different... never mind.

"Let's go to your room," Xu Yan said.

No sooner had his heart relaxed for half a second than it was suspended again. Shen Zhi thought of the people in Xu Yan's room – reality was hardly better than a nightmare. He understood that no one would bring their ex into their room to talk in front of their girlfriend, but his chest tightened with sudden pain, and he wanted to crouch down to ease the excruciating discomfort.

"Alright." It took him a while to push the word out from his throat.

Xu Yan brushed past Shen Zhi's shoulder and went into the room, sitting on the single sofa in the living room. Shen Zhi poured a glass of water and placed it in front of him. Just as the cup touched the coffee table, Shen Zhi suddenly straightened up and said hurriedly, "Wait for me a moment," then went to the bedroom – he hid the medicine box by the bed under the pillow.

He knew Xu Yan couldn't see it, knew Xu Yan wouldn't possibly walk into the bedroom, but Shen Zhi still had to hide it, hide it well, along with his unease, confusion, guilt, and breakdown.

"It's late, what do you want to say?" Xu Yan asked, looking at Shen Zhi across the coffee table.

Shen Zhi's hands were clasped together, hanging between his legs. His head was lowered and his shoulders sagged, as if his spirit was exhausted. Xu Yan suspected that he would fall forward to the ground at any moment.

"When did you and her... get together?"

Xu Yan took a few seconds to react, understanding that Shen Zhi had misunderstood.

"This doesn't seem to concern you," he replied.

The sword of Damocles hanging above finally pierced down. Shen Zhi gasped softly, raised his hand, and buried his face in his palms. In fact, from the moment just now until now, he had not had the courage to look at Xu Yan and showed an increasingly retreating posture.

"If your idea of talking is to pry into my privacy, I have nothing to say." Xu Yan stood up. "I'm leaving."

"Xu Yan." Shen Zhi immediately put down his hands and stood up. "Wait a moment."

"Stay a little longer." He repeated, like a downtrodden, long-wandering person, "Stay with me for a few more minutes."

Xu Yan suddenly felt a dull, aching pain surging from the centre of his abdomen upwards. This feeling was somewhat unfamiliar but not entirely unknown to him – One night a long time ago, Shen Zhi had returned late from work and gone to the closet to get his pyjamas, while Xu Yan had been dozing, waiting for Shen Zhi to finish showering and come to bed. But half an hour passed without any sound.

Xu Yan had opened his eyes, got out of bed, and walked into the closet.

He saw Shen Zhi sitting on the carpet, head resting against the nearby cabinet, his pale face tired and quiet, asleep just like that.

At that moment, Xu Yan had a brief moment of breathlessness. He didn’t know why he felt so sad. He wanted to wake Shen Zhi to get him to wash up and go to bed, wanted to cover him with a blanket, wanted to warm him a glass of milk... But in the end, Xu Yan had only gently sat beside Shen Zhi, carefully pulled him into his arms, and thought that Shen Zhi needed to be cared for, looked after, and protected. In that silent closet, Xu Yan thought, that person could only be himself.

But reality was always full of regrets, making those who once swore to part ways.

"What's wrong with you?" Xu Yan pulled himself out of the distant memory and asked.

"Nothing." Shen Zhi looked away, saying in a low voice, "Maybe I'm just a bit tired."

"If you're tired, rest."

This statement was as casual as could be, but to Shen Zhi, who hadn't heard similar words from Xu Yan in over three years, it was as precious as concern. Shen Zhi struggled to suppress the urge to hug Xu Yan, watching him sit back on the sofa, and after a pause, asked softly, "Did you drink?"

"Mhmm" Xu Yan leaned his elbow on the armrest of the sofa, resting his chin in his palm, and responding nonchalantly.

"Did you have a hard day today?"

"Not bad."

"You're leaving tomorrow?"

"Right."

After answering a few questions indifferently, Xu Yan fell silent. Shen Zhi realised that he still had countless, fragmented questions he wanted to ask but feared Xu Yan would find him bothersome.

So he said, “Drink some water, you’ll feel a bit thirsty once the alcohol wears off.”

Xu Yan glanced at the untouched glass of water on the coffee table and then looked at Shen Zhi. “I won’t drink it,” he said lightly.

“I’m afraid of being drugged.”

Shen Zhi was stunned, the colour draining from his face in an instant. The words cut him deeply, causing a flood of near-agonising emotions. Yet, he knew he had no right to feel aggrieved. In the past, when he inflicted pain on Xu Yan, Xu Yan must have felt far more hurt and saddened than he did now. Despite all that, Xu Yan had still smiled at him and continued to love him.

After a long, deathly silence, Shen Zhi spoke in a hoarse voice, “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” Xu Yan replied calmly.

He didn’t want to dwell on the past, not three years ago, and not now. He repeatedly told himself not to look back, it wasn’t worth it, it was just a mess. But what could he do? Shen Zhi was his past. As long as Shen Zhi stood before him, he would be forced to look back at his past again and again.

Instead of constantly warning himself not to recall, making himself so tired and stuck in a stalemate, it was better to lay it all out. Once it was said, it was over. He and Shen Zhi had no present and no future; the only thing they could discuss was the past.

If he couldn’t face even this, then the past three years would have been in vain.

Scars, once healed, were nothing. Even if one foolishly picked at them, they wouldn’t bleed profusely, they were just a patch of skin that looked a bit different.

“I don’t want your apology,” Xu Yan looked at him, “I want you to feel guilty.”

“If you truly felt guilty, or in other words, if you truly loved me, then out of either sentiment, you should never appear before me again, never disturb me, right?”

Shen Zhi lowered his head, saying each word slowly, “I can’t do that.”

“Misunderstanding you is my fault.” His voice trembled, and after a deep breath, he managed to steady himself. “But Xu Yan, I truly didn’t want to try with you out of revenge.”

The word "revenge" was like a knife in Shen Zhi’s heart. He was willing to take all the blame, but not this one. He couldn’t accept it because he had never harboured such thoughts.

Xu Yan’s fingers moved involuntarily, not sure whether it was the word "revenge" or "try" that stung. He said, “Trying to be with someone who drugged you, what else could it be but revenge?”

“It’s not.” Shen Zhi insisted, lifting his head to look directly at Xu Yan with reddened eyes, “I just didn’t want us to become strangers.”

“You confessed to me, and I didn’t respond. You avoided me for four whole months.”

“After that birthday night, you went out for fieldwork. When you returned, I sought you out, and you said you wouldn’t bother me anymore.”

“I had never experienced what it felt like to like someone...” His voice grew softer. “so I didn’t know at the time that I liked you.”

“Wanting to try with you was because I didn’t want to lose you.” Shen Zhi exhaled shakily, repeating, “It wasn’t for revenge.”

He rarely, almost never, spoke to Xu Yan so much at once. He remembered Lan Qiuchen mentioning that sometimes taking medication could increase the desire to express oneself, making one very talkative. Perhaps the medication he took earlier was taking effect, Shen Zhi thought.

But then he suddenly remembered that he had vomited out those seven pills he had taken.

Xu Yan, however, suddenly let out a low laugh – Shen Zhi said he liked him. Even before they "tried," even nearly seven years ago, Shen Zhi liked him. Even if he thought Xu Yan had drugged him, he still didn’t want to lose him.

It was absurdly laughable. Xu Yan asked, “Didn't want to lose me, so you resorted to cold violence, ignoring me, wearing me down during our four years together?”

“Shen Zhi, which of your actions didn’t push me away, didn't make me want to leave? Was that what not wanting to lose me looked like?”

Shen Zhi clenched his hands into fists, pressing hard against the sofa, his knuckles turning white. He struggled to speak, “So I’m sorry... I was clearly at odds with myself, with that misunderstanding, but I hurt you instead. I’m sorry.”

“You’re sick,” Xu Yan stared at him for a few seconds and then suddenly said.

Shen Zhi’s Adam’s apple bobbed, a faint smile formed at the corner of his mouth, and his gaze was empty. “Yes, I’m sick.”

He knew Xu Yan’s “you’re sick” was just a figure of speech, but it still felt like a deep stab – after all, he was truly sick, needing regular doctor visits and continuous medication.

“......” Xu Yan felt a sharp pain in his temples. "I'm tired, I'm heading back."

The air seemed to be sucked out of his lungs, and Shen Zhi felt as if he were floating in a daze. The only thought in his mind was that Xu Yan was leaving. Yet, he couldn't find a reason to make Xu Yan stay a moment longer. His pale lips moved, but all he could manage was to hoarsely call out, "Xu Yan..."

Xu Yan stood by the sofa, staring at him for a while before walking over to stand in front of him.

Shen Zhi looked up, his expression one of exhaustion and desperation, like someone who had trudged day and night through a desert, finally seeing signs of rain. But Xu Yan merely looked down at his gaunt face and said in an emotionless tone, "Let's just be strangers, Shen Zhi."

This suggestion was bound to receive no response. Shen Zhi bit his lip hard, lowering his head nonchalantly. He reached out to hold Xu Yan’s left hand, rubbing his empty ring finger. "Where's your ring?" he asked.

Xu Yan frowned slightly, pulling his hand away. "None of your business." He only wore accessories for appearances at events, preferring to keep things simple in private.

"I'll wait for you," Shen Zhi suddenly said, looking up at him.

Xu Yan didn’t immediately grasp the meaning of his words. Shen Zhi paused before speaking again, each word bitten off with difficulty and force: "I'll wait for you to end this relationship and want to start with someone else."

The only sound in the room was the hum of the air conditioner. Xu Yan stared into Shen Zhi's eyes for a long moment before asking, "You'll wait for me to break up?"

Shen Zhi's jaw tightened. "Yes."

"You want to be a backup?"

Shen Zhi's chest heaved uncontrollably a few times. "Yes."

Xu Yan suddenly laughed. "Shen Zhi."

"Lawyer Shen." He called him this with a sense of absurd disbelief. It was hard to imagine someone as proud and composed as Shen Zhi saying something like that. "Have you forgotten that you were the one who was ended in the last relationship?"

How could he forget? But even so – Shen Zhi forced himself to stand up. "I want to start over."

Xu Yan took a step back as he stood up, maintaining his distance. "There's no need."

Like an impenetrable shield, Xu Yan's eyes and expression were as decisive and uncompromising as they had been three years ago, leaving no room for negotiation, leaving no chance. Shen Zhi couldn’t suppress the swelling pain in his heart, he felt too far away and needed to touch Xu Yan to feel better. He reached out to hug him, resting his chin on Xu Yan’s shoulder, his voice choking: "Then I’ll still wait."

He hugged him tightly, feeling a cacophony of sharp, intrusive noises rush into his ears, blocking his throat, rendering him unable to hear or speak. Shen Zhi opened his mouth but couldn’t hear his own voice. Fear consumed him as he realised he was about to reveal his vulnerability, yet he couldn’t let Xu Yan go, couldn’t let him leave.

Eventually, he let go, trying to mask the tumult within with a facade of calm. Shen Zhi lowered his eyes, his eyelashes hiding his unfocused pupils. His entire body felt stiff and immobile, his voice low and hoarse: "Go rest." But he wasn’t sure if those were the words he actually spoke.

Xu Yan studied his face, seeing the pallor and exhaustion, as if he would collapse with a mere touch. Xu Yan rubbed his jaw, where the necklace Shen Zhi had worn had pressed uncomfortably against him during the hug.

"You should rest well too," Xu Yan said. He turned and left the room, and as he closed the door, he saw Shen Zhi still standing there, head bowed, his expression unreadable.

With the door shut, Shen Zhi closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing. He attempted to walk to the bedroom, finding it difficult and needing to hold onto something for support. It took him nearly two minutes to cover the short distance. He leaned on the bed, reaching under the pillow for his medicine box. As he opened the lid, his wrist trembled uncontrollably, scattering the pills across the bed.

Shen Zhi stared at them, the pills and the bed sheets blending into a ball, like a whirlpool, making him feel nauseous. He had to close his eyes, his arm losing strength as he collapsed onto the bed, letting himself sink deeper.

———

The author has something to say:

Shen Zhi's diary: Wi...Wife... (loses consciousness, collapses)

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: August 4, 2024 by Angel

Edited: October 6, 2024 by Angel