Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 38

Chapter 38

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"What's wrong?" Li Ziyou asked in surprise.

Xu Yan didn't speak, his gaze followed Shen Zhi as he got up. Shen Zhi almost staggered, his hand pressing on the edge of the table, "I'll step out for a moment."

When he said this, his eyes were empty, not focused on anything, but it was clear he was avoiding Xu Yan's gaze, as if he didn't dare to meet his eyes. Xu Yan stared at his stiff back for a moment, then bent down to pick up the wine glass and put it back on the table. He said to Li Ziyou, "I'll go and check." Li Ziyou nodded, and Xu Yan stood up and followed him out.

"Shen Zhi?" The corridor was quiet, their footsteps silent on the carpet. Xu Yan called out.

Shen Zhi stopped but didn't turn around.

"What's wrong?" Xu Yan asked from two metres behind him.

Still no response. Something was very wrong. Xu Yan walked closer, "Do you have an emergency?"

He had only taken three or four steps when Shen Zhi suddenly reached out to push open the door of a nearby room and stepped inside. As he was enveloped by darkness, Shen Zhi suddenly understood why Xu Yan hadn't allowed him to turn on the lights that night when he had confessed, why he hadn't let him see him.

Because some things were too hard to face. When they happened, he just wanted to hide himself, hide as thoroughly as possible.

Like his confession, or the truth that had been delayed for almost five years.

The light intensified as Xu Yan pushed the door open. The room was very dark, but with the light from the corridor, Xu Yan saw Shen Zhi standing with his head bowed by a table.

The door closed, and the two stood in silence in the darkness. After a while, Xu Yan asked, "You drank that glass of wine, didn't you?" He had suddenly connected Shen Zhi's odd behaviour that night. If he was merely drunk, Shen Zhi couldn't have been so uncontrollably affectionate. Moreover, Shen Zhi had been thinking about Tang Yunyan at that time. If it weren't for the influence of drugs... there was no reason he would have mistaken a man for a substitute.

But aside from all that, Xu Yan was actually relieved. Judging from Shen Zhi's reaction, the dose of the drug wasn't large, and he was the one with him at the time. Although it led to a relationship that shouldn't have developed, Xu Yan was still grateful it was him who had taken Shen Zhi to the room that night.

Just as he said, he had never regretted being with Shen Zhi, and he couldn't imagine what it would have been like if Shen Zhi had reacted that way to someone else.

He waited for a long time, but instead of hearing Shen Zhi say "yes," he heard, "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry." Shen Zhi's voice trembled slightly.

Xu Yan was stunned for a moment, then he felt a heavy weight slam into his chest, and at the same time, it was as if he had stepped into a void, his entire body falling into weightlessness. After standing there in a daze for a while, he asked in a hoarse voice, "What do you mean by sorry? Do you think I drugged you?"

He suddenly felt an urgent need to lean on something to maintain his balance.

Xu Yan heard Shen Zhi's chaotic breathing and his increasingly trembling voice, "Yes. I'm sorry."

The darkness seemed to solidify, pressing densely in from all directions, and Xu Yan was hit by a wave of dizziness. He felt nauseous, pressing his hand against the wall, breathing heavily and remembering their conversation from years ago.

– Why did you do it?

– Because I like you. I've said it before

– So you just... Xu Yan, did you have to make things like this?

– So I said I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I was too impulsive.

He had always thought Shen Zhi was questioning the drunken kiss, but he had never imagined Shen Zhi was talking about the glass of drugged wine.

One asked vaguely, the other answered straightforwardly, leading to this absurd misunderstanding standing between them for more than four years, without knowing anything about it.

But what about Shen Zhi? He clearly thought that way, so why did he still say he wanted to try?

"You think I drugged you," Xu Yan barely managed to straighten up, looking at the familiar figure in front of him and asking, "so why did you say we could try?"

At this point, everything was clear. Shen Zhi didn't need to answer for Xu Yan to guess. After all, there was no more reasonable explanation.

Shen Zhi stood still without speaking, as if he couldn't find the words. Xu Yan suddenly let out a low laugh, "You wanted to take revenge on me?"

So many things now had an explanation: why Shen Zhi had been indifferent and ignored him, why all his attempts to please him never elicited a smile.

Because from the beginning, in Shen Zhi's eyes, he was just a despicable person who secretly drugged others, unworthy of any kindness.

So that's how it was... It was actually like this.

Not long ago, he had felt disgusted knowing Qiu Hao had drugged Li Ziyou, never imagining that he had always been the same kind of person in Shen Zhi's eyes.

"No," Shen Zhi's voice was hoarse, "I never thought that way." Even he couldn't clarify his thoughts at the time, confusion, hesitation, probing... but never revenge. If it were for revenge, he couldn't have been with Xu Yan. He just didn't want Xu Yan to disappear completely from his life, he just hadn't had the time to figure it out... this issue was unsolvable from the start.

"Enough." Xu Yan raised his hand to cover his face, his shoulders shaking with laughter – he really found it funny. "What personality issues, what inability to love, you were just taking revenge for that glass of wine."

"Xu Yan..."

"You said to try, so let me ask you." Xu Yan lifted his head and slowly said, "Were you satisfied with the result? Watching me demean myself for you for four years, almost kneeling before you, were you satisfied?"

"Xu Yan..." Shen Zhi's voice was painfully hoarse, "Please don't say that..."

"Isn't it disgusting, Shen Zhi?" Xu Yan looked at him, even though he couldn't see clearly, he was so familiar with that face that he could sketch it perfectly in the dark. He asked, "Eating with me, sleeping with me, kissing me, making love to me, did you always find it disgusting? Did you see me as dirty and pathetic as a worm in the gutter? Did you feel nauseous every time you thought about me drugging you?"

"You must have, right?" He laughed again, but large tears rolled from his eyes, "Otherwise, you wouldn't have treated me like that."

He saw Shen Zhi take a few steps towards him, then stop. After a few seconds, Shen Zhi choked out, "Xu Yan, I never thought that way. I misunderstood you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

In his lifetime, he could actually see Shen Zhi crying. Xu Yan wiped his eyes and sarcastically asked, "What are you crying for? What right do you have to cry? I'm the one who should be crying."

"I fucking gave you my whole heart, but as a result, in your eyes, I'm that kind of person." Xu Yan finally couldn't hold back his sobs, "It's okay that you misunderstood me, it's my bad luck, I'll accept it."

"But why did you still say you wanted to try, why did you use cold violence to take revenge on me? Four years, four whole years! I racked my brain trying to understand why you did this but couldn't! Did you ever see me as a human being?!"

"Because you thought I drugged you, you treated me like garbage, right?" Xu Yan cried, screaming at him uncontrollably, "In the end, you said you loved me. Did you think you were so great.? Did you think you were forgiving me? Should I be grateful and thank you for loving me?!"

There were no edges, no boundaries. Xu Yan stood right in the centre of his breakdown. He didn't want to part amicably with Shen Zhi, yet he hadn't anticipated reaching such an ugly point. He would have rather Shen Zhi remain indifferent than accept that his genuine feelings had been seen as dirty and ugly from the start.

"Xu Yan..." Shen Zhi approached, pulling him into an embrace, "I'm sorry, it's my fault."

Xu Yan stopped speaking, trembling all over. Tears flowed down their faces as they pressed together, streaming into Shen Zhi's neck. Shen Zhi held his back, repeatedly apologising, "I was wrong, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Yan Yan."

Yan Yan, those two words again.

Xu Yan's head felt like it was splitting open. Since that night four years ago, since he learned the truth behind that nickname, those words had tormented him endlessly. He had done everything he could to avoid facing it, as it was too humiliating. Even though Shen Zhi was now genuinely calling him, it still caused a painful, reflexive reaction. He thought he had become strong, but Shen Zhi could always defeat him swiftly.

He finally couldn't stand, his legs giving way, collapsing as if in intense pain, crying out, "Shen Zhi, stop fucking messing with me..."

Shen Zhi held him tightly, kneeling on the ground with him, unable to say another word. Xu Yan, through his tear-blurred vision, looked at the indistinct ceiling, sobbing and gasping for breath. Memories from the past few years flashed by like a carousel, regrets, debts, remorse, all speeding by in an instant. Xu Yan thought, maybe today was truly the end.

Before, he had just been tired, not wanting to continue. Now, he felt as if he had truly died once – he had been misunderstood, treated as a despicable person who would stop at nothing, and the feelings he had worked hard for over four years might have originated from a vague act of revenge.

"That night..." Xu Yan suddenly spoke with a voice both exhausted and calm, "I shouldn't have left the campus."

He shouldn't have left the campus that night. If he hadn't gone out for that barbecue, he wouldn't have met Shen Zhi.

Shen Zhi heard the regret in his voice, his heart skipped a beat, and he hugged him tighter, his voice frantic with sobs, "Xu Yan."

Xu Yan calmly disentangled himself from Shen Zhi's embrace, "I regret it."

"Shen Zhi, all these years, you were just relying on my love for you."

You were just relying on my love for you. Xu Yan finally voiced the words he had always thought were arrogant, believing they would be satisfying to say, but they weren't. Those who are favoured are fearless and ruthless, stepping on the humble and sincere love of others, wilful and unfeeling, yet there was always someone hoping for a bit of reciprocation. However, looking back, it was just a painful internal conflict.

Before this, Xu Yan had almost softened, genuinely hesitated, wondering if he and Shen Zhi could have a new start. Fortunately – Li Ziyou had cleared his name, and Shen Zhi had given him the truth, preventing him from continuing to suffer from misunderstanding and finally allowing him to completely detach, never having to worry again.

Xu Yan stood up, Shen Zhi's tears still on his shoulder. He looked down at Shen Zhi, as if looking at the love he had for nearly seven years, which now seemed insignificant.

"We're done." He slowly wiped away his tears. If Shen Zhi could see clearly, he would have noticed a touch of pity on Xu Yan's face. "Shen Zhi, I suggest you see a doctor, you have psychological issues, and it's no wonder you can't love anyone. You're truly pitiful."

He pulled opened the door and walked out without looking back, leaving Shen Zhi alone in the darkness. Shen Zhi remained in his kneeling position, raising his hand to cover his eyes, unable to stop the tears from flowing through his fingers. He lacked the courage to chase after him – he knew deep down that he could not defend himself. No matter what reasons he gave, Xu Yan would never turn back.

From the moment he misunderstood Xu Yan, from the moment he suggested they try, everything had been heading towards a wrong end. Shen Zhi could swear a thousand times that he hadn't started the relationship out of revenge, but he could never deny that his coldness, stubbornness, and awkwardness over the years in the relationship were not only due to his personality but also partly because of that drink.

He loved Xu Yan, but he couldn't get past the high barrier built by misunderstandings. Xu Yan was such an upright, kind, and determined person, yet Shen Zhi, from a victim's standpoint, had turned into the perpetrator, causing Xu Yan endless torment and grievances.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: July 22, 2024 by Angel

Edited: September 8 2024 by Angel