Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 13

Chapter 13

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The air was so quiet that it made no sound. Xu Yan suddenly felt a sense of relief – he had finally said it. Originally, he hadn't wanted to speak, but he could understand Shen Zhi's feelings. An idiot had pestered him for four years, then suddenly turned and ran away. Anyone would be cautious and suspicious, wondering what tricks or games the other person was playing. If Shen Zhi needed a clear answer, then he would give him one. It was a dignified way to say goodbye and let them both move on to new horizons.

Xu Yan had never intended to be ambiguous or evasive; he just hadn't expected Shen Zhi to be so demanding, insisting on a verbal promise to end things.

There seemed to be nothing left to say. Xu Yan looked at Shen Zhi, thinking that Shen Zhi would show some happiness, or at least look relieved. After all, he was finally free of him. Even at this moment, Xu Yan still wanted to see him smile – during their time together, he had never seemed to make Shen Zhi happy. If today's full stop could make him smile, it would be making use of his remaining energy.

But no, Shen Zhi's expression didn't change at all. He just stared at him fixedly. Xu Yan couldn't discern any emotion and realised after a few seconds that Shen Zhi wasn't thinking, wasn't pondering anything, he was in a daze.

It seemed he was overjoyed... Xu Yan pulled at the corners of his mouth, grabbed his suitcase again, and turned to push the door open and go inside. This door was the end line; once it was closed, he would never have anything to do with Shen Zhi again in his life. That was good.

The gap in the door grew smaller, leaving just a strip of light in the dark living room. Xu Yan's eyes suddenly felt sour. He thought it was so unfair. Why, after all these years, was he the only one feeling sad, sentimental, and in pain? Why was Shen Zhi always indifferent and unaffected?... Was it because he was the one who initiated everything, so he deserved it all? This balance was too impartial, never leaning in his favour.

The lock tongue gently touched the door frame, and Xu Yan pressed the door handle. Without warning, his wrist was struck hard. The light violently enlarged. Xu Yan looked up in surprise and saw Shen Zhi's expressionless face, coldly illuminated by the backlight. The door was pushed open forcefully. Shen Zhi stood in front of him, calling his name in a low voice: "Xu Yan." It sounded unfamiliar. Shen Zhi hardly ever called him that because, whether he needed him or not, Xu Yan was always by his side.

Xu Yan instinctively felt that Shen Zhi seemed a bit angry, but he couldn't figure out why. The person who had pestered him for years was finally letting go and leaving, returning to a free and normal life. Why would he be angry?

"I don't have time to waste with you, and you don't need to threaten me like this," Shen Zhi said, word by word. "I'll pretend I never heard that sentence."

Didn't hear anything? Pretend he didn't hear me say we're done?

This sounded familiar. Xu Yan remembered that when he first confessed, this was the exact same response he received from Shen Zhi, not a word different.

It was early in the new semester of their third year when Xu Yan's birthday came around. By then, he had already managed to develop a relationship with Shen Zhi in various ways – a friendship. On the night of his birthday, Shen Zhi didn't come to dinner because he was busy, but he showed up later at the KTV. Xu Yan was already quite drunk by then. When their classmates egged Shen Zhi on to sing, Xu Yan clapped along foolishly – Shen Zhi didn't sing because he had a sore throat from a cold.

When it was time to cut the cake, Xu Yan had a crown on his head. He was so out of it that he forgot to make a wish and blew out the candles in one breath. A classmate smeared some cake on his face, and Xu Yan didn't resist, squatting on the ground and looking up with a silly grin. Shen Zhi was sitting on the sofa nearby, watching him.

After the cake was smeared, Xu Yan was completely drunk, like a dog. Those secret, restrained and suppressed feelings became more intense and bold as his rationality faded away. His gaze hardly left Shen Zhi's face. Finally, the friend sitting between him and Shen Zhi went to the bathroom. Xu Yan propped himself up and moved a bit closer to Shen Zhi. The room was very dark, with only the light from the big screen outlining Shen Zhi's features clearly. Amidst the noise, he seemed particularly calm. Xu Yan's Adam's apple bobbed, and he asked, "Is your throat still sore?"

Shen Zhi didn't hear clearly and turned his head slightly, asking, "What?" His voice was hoarse from the cold, making Xu Yan's ears tingle. They were very close; Xu Yan felt he could almost kiss his nose. He looked at Shen Zhi's profile, words burning on his lips like hot gold. He didn't want to swallow them, but he feared they would mean nothing if he spoke them out loud. The words rolled and turned, burning him with pain.

Blame it on your excessive beauty

Like a venomous snake tightly binding our relationship

As if the addiction is endless

Finally exhausting all schemes

Faith withered away too

Blame me for being excessively obsessed

Leading to all sorts of after-effects from loving you.

......

The classmate from Guangzhou was singing a Cantonese song, with an authentic, smooth, and beautiful pronunciation. The understated tone flowed like red sand. Xu Yan suddenly felt that Shen Zhi was like a spider, able to wrap him up completely with a single, delicate thread. He was addicted and struggling, but Shen Zhi didn't notice; everything he did was unintentional.

"Shen Zhi." The two maintained their close distance. Xu Yan looked at his eyelashes as if he wanted to count them one by one. He opened his mouth and softly said, "I think I really like you."

Actually, it wasn't "think", he really did like him. Xu Yan was fortunate to have some restraint, and even more fortunate that he spoke softly, perhaps Shen Zhi didn't hear it. He wanted to say it out loud but was afraid Shen Zhi would really know before he had considered the consequences. Today wasn't the best time, but when exactly would be the best time? Xu Yan didn't know; he just wanted to vent, even if just a little.

He clearly saw Shen Zhi freeze for a moment, lower his eyes to look at him, and then turn his head to look at the big screen.

He heard it. Xu Yan thought, and he knew he was impulsive and had made a mistake.

When the song ended, Shen Zhi picked up a drink from the coffee table, took a sip, and then said, "I'm leaving now." He said goodbye to a few people around him but didn't look at Xu Yan or speak to him, then got up and walked towards the door.

The door opened and then closed again. Xu Yan stared at it, suddenly wanting an answer. Although he already knew the answer in his heart, it didn't count unless Shen Zhi said it himself. Xu Yan quickly stood up and stumbled out. A classmate, thinking he was going to be sick from drinking too much, hurried after him. As he opened the door, Xu Yan turned back and said, "It's fine, I'm just seeing Shen Zhi off."

Shen Zhi had already reached the corner. Xu Yan ran a few steps and shouted loudly, "Shen Zhi!" The footsteps paused, and Shen Zhi turned his head. The lighting was poor, and Xu Yan couldn't see his face clearly, but he kept moving forward. When he reached Shen Zhi, he was panting and stared into his eyes, saying, "I really want to know."

Shen Zhi lowered his eyes to look at him without speaking. Xu Yan's heart was about to jump out of his chest. He felt weak all over but forced himself to keep going, "I want to know what you think." Knowing he was asking for trouble, he still wanted to ask. It seemed he wouldn't be satisfied until he unveiled the last layer. But would he really be satisfied once it was unveiled? Who knew?

Shen Zhi looked away and was silent for a while before saying, "I'll pretend I never heard that sentence."

This answer was the one Xu Yan never anticipated. He was stunned, already drunk and having difficulty thinking, so he was genuinely at a loss for a long time. He felt his eyes redden, but luckily, the darkness of the corridor concealed it. In a very calm tone, he said, "No."

"I said it, you heard it, you can't pretend it didn't happen."

There was silence again; Shen Zhi still didn't look at him. What was the meaning of this... Finally, Xu Yan shook his head and smiled awkwardly, saying, "Forget it, go back." Shen Zhi lowered his eyes and turned to leave without saying goodbye, without even wishing Xu Yan a happy birthday from start to finish.

Xu Yan stood there, watching his back. He wished Shen Zhi would look back at him, just like when he passed the ball on the court, just like when they ordered food together... People are really greedy. You long for him to look at you, but when he does, you start to wish that you are the only one in his eyes.

Now, Shen Zhi refused to even look at him. Xu Yan thought to himself that he would never celebrate his birthday again, the memories were terrible.

"When I first confessed to you, you said you'd pretend you never heard it, why are you still saying this now?" Xu Yan looked at him and smiled. "I'm not threatening you, and I don't pose any threat to you. You don't have time to waste with me, which is fine. I don't plan on wasting your time anymore." He roughly figured out why Shen Zhi was angry – it was probably a sense of humiliation at being dumped, angry that he wasn't the one to end it first, his pride unable to take it.

Shen Zhi's lips pressed into a thin line as he stared at Xu Yan, seemingly searching his face for signs of bravado or jest. But Xu Yan's expression was too calm, without a trace of weakness – because there was no weakness to reveal. After a while, Shen Zhi's eyebrows furrowed slightly, his chest rising and falling once before he said, "Do you know what you're sayi..."

"I'm very tired from my trip," This was the first time in years that Xu Yan had interrupted Shen Zhi. He reached out and snapped his fingers crisply near Shen Zhi's ear, before he said, "So let's not waste any more words. It's over, that's it. Don't doubt it, it's not a dream. Darling, you're free now. I wish you a happy life."

After saying this, he pushed Shen Zhi out the door by the shoulders. Shen Zhi, unguarded, instinctively took a few steps back. Xu Yan quickly closed the door and deftly locked it from the inside.

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The author has something to say:

Blamefully Beautiful – Leslie Cheung

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: June 2, 2024 by Angel

Edited: June 15, 2024 by Angel