Dr. Ou's Psychotherapy Chapter 41

Indulgence and Enjoyment

---

I heard the bells on Christmas Day,

their old, familiar carols play,

and wild and sweet,

the words repeat, 

of peace on earth,

good-will to men!

~ By Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

———

The streets of London were filled with Christmas cheer, and the snowflakes danced in the wind, falling sporadically on Yi Zhize's eyelashes.

This lawyer was his usual self, with a straight figure, an outstanding aura, a warm and clear face, and a tear-shaped mole. But looking at the person in front of him, he was a little hesitant.

He could not be sure if this was a dream he was allowed to have on Christmas Eve.

The breeze blew a few strands of hair from his forehead as Yi Zhize stood in place.

They were just a few steps away.

They were always a few steps away.

They were always missing, separated, misunderstood.

Remorse and love soaked through, but in the end it all melted away in the muted snowy night.

There was nothing more. 

Yi Zhize thought, 

there is nothing more. 

I can look at you like this, you can smile at me like this, that's good enough.

Their eyes met, as they had done when they first saw each other.

Suddenly, fireworks exploded and the air was ablaze as huge cheers rolled in like a tidal wave.

It was 12 AM and the New Year's Eve crowd was bustling with noise.

Yi Zhize's eyes were drawn to the fireworks in the sky, the sparks blazing as hot as the warmth of his heartbeat.

"Zhize, Happy New Year."

At some point, Ou Tingyun had silently walked up beside him, and the two stood side by side, as if they had never been apart.

"Happy New Year, Tingyun."

Yi Zhize turned his head to the side and found his face in his eyes, which was illuminated with the warmth of the fireworks.

Ou Tingyun took his hand and squeezed it gently in his palm, "Can I...?"

"What?"

The overly noisy murmur of voices drowned out the doctor's words. "Nothing."

Ou Tingyun warmed his hand a little and put it smoothly into his own coat pocket.

"Tingyun, lower your head a little."

Yi Zhize placed a kiss on his lips, soft and cool.

Fiercely pushed against the wall, tangled and hooked in a feverish chase, Yi Zhize's breath trembled slightly as he hugged the person in front of him tightly. It was as if the torment of longing had been vented all at once, as if the desert rain had relieved a thirsty journey.

Not enough.

Nothing could be enough.

Ou Tingyun took his hand in his and they descended the long, narrow staircase to the ground.

They ran through the dense crowd, under the dim streetlights on the snowy night.

Not asking for a purpose, not asking for a reason, not asking where they had come from, not asking for a way back.

The snow turned from light to heavy, like goose feathers fluttering, like young to old.

When they returned to the house, Ou Tingyun fetched a towel and wiped his wet hair as soon as they entered the hallway.

Yi Zhize nibbled at his chin.

Ou Tingyun smiled and kissed the corner of his brow, "Ze Ze, dry off first, don't catch a cold."

Yi Zhize nibbled on his earlobe.

The passionate kisses flared up again like wildfires in the mountains as they unbuttoned each other, removed their coats and went from the hallway to the living room, and from the living room to the bedroom.

"Tingyun, Tingyun, Tingyun." Yi Zhize buried his head in the side of his neck, "I really... miss you so much."

"Ze Ze," Ou Tingyun whispered in his ear, "don't tease me anymore, I can't stand it anymore..."

"Then don't endure any more." Yi Zhize said, "We've missed each other too much already." His fingertips ran through Ou Tingyun's hair and stroked his Adam's apple: "Stop suppressing, stop enduring, I want all of you."

To love is to be unbridled, to love is to be restrained, to love in the extreme is to be crazy, to burn everything to the death.

To love is to be attracted, to love is to be understood, and the ultimate love is to receive all of you in blood and joyous song:

it is to love your elegance, your character, your talent, your ability, and all of your beautiful qualities;

and to love your vileness, your degradation, your immorality, your darkness, and all of your unspeakable qualities.

You who knows all about me, if our fate is not over, how can we part?

———

Back in A City, in the spring.

When Yi Zhize came home from work, his doctor had not prepared dinner for him as usual.

Sensing something strange, he knocked on the door of the treatment room: "Tingyun? Are you there?"

"En."

"Busy with work?" Yi Zhize turned the handle of the door and found it locked: "Tingyun?"

"Don't come in!"

"What's wrong?"

"Ze Ze, don't come near me."

"What's wrong?"

"Right now, it's safer this way."

"I'm worried about you."

"I have paranoid personality disorder, as you know, and I'm afraid of hurting you."

"Are you going to hurt me?"

"No, but the symptoms have intensified and I'm afraid I won't be able to control them."

"Why would the symptoms suddenly intensify?"

"Ever since we first broke up," Ou Tingyun paused for a moment, "the symptoms have been so bad that I've been taking medication to control them. Lately, the medication hasn't been very effective."

"Why?"

"Because you're back and we're together. The deeper I love you, the heavier this paranoia gets."

"What can I do to help you?"

"Ze Ze, with you by my side, I'm already very satisfied."

"I don't want to hear this kind of nonsense."

Yi Zhize found the spare key and opened the door to the treatment room.

The curtains were closed tightly and Ou Tingyun was sitting on the corner of the sofa with a gloomy expression.

"Tell me, Tingyun, what should I do?"

"In the psychological sense, symptoms are merely symptoms of trauma, invisibly dominated by the subconscious, like lava beneath the ground, unaware of when it will erupt." Ou Tingyun whispered, "Would you like, to go deeper into my subconscious?"

"May I?"

"The subconscious can only be externalised if there is extreme trust and absolute safety."

"But I'm not a psychiatrist."

"You are the only person I trust." Ou Tingyun looked into his eyes, "You only have to tell me if you want to or not."

"You once cured me of a stubborn illness, now, in return, if I can redeem you from your incurable illness, of course I will."

Ou Tingyun fetched a bottle of medicine, labelled Amorze-02. The silver syringe drew in the deep blue liquid and he stuck it in his forearm, the cold flowing into his veins: "This medicine will help extract my subconscious mind."

"Soon, I will fall into a deep sleep, there will be many images spilling over, and I may even split into different personalities."

"You will see a lot of myself that I have not shown you. If they hurt you, Ze Ze, always remember to fight back, never go soft, you can even kill me." At this, Ou Tingyun smiled, "I know what kind of a scumbag I am."

Yi Zhize locked the door and threw the key out the window, "Dr. Ou, I won't kill you, but I can guarantee that the possessed you won't go out and wreak havoc on others."

"Ze Ze, Although I feel that regardless of who I am, I couldn't possibly be willing to hurt you, but I still feel a little uneasy."

"Hmm?"

"I don't want those subpersonalities competing with me for you, you can only be mine."

Yi Zhize rubbed his hair in amusement, "Aren't those all you?"

"No." Ou Tingyun said, "When you heal me, I'll just be me."

"Okay, good night, Tingyun."

"Good night."

The medication soon took effect and Ou Tingyun seemed to fall asleep. Just as Yi Zhize was about to cover him with a blanket, the doctor suddenly opened his eyes and grabbed his wrist violently, his tone guarded and cold.

"Who are you?"

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: January 31, 2023