Dr. Ou's Psychotherapy Chapter 38

Endlessness and Reincarnation

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Suppose the devil sneaks into your loneliest solitude one day or one night,

and says to you:

your present and past life,

is the life you must live again,

the life you must live countless times.

there is nothing new in it.

But all the pains, all the joys, all the unspeakable things, great and small, that have been in your life must return to you in the same order,

Even this spider amongst the trees with this ray of moonlight, even this moment with myself.

The eternal hourglass of existence turns up and down, again and again,

And you, who moves with it,

you are nothing but a speck of dust.

– Nietzsche, The Gay Science

———

When Yi Zhize woke up, the first thing he felt was a burst of extremely bright light.

Like a kind of guide or a kind of decline, he looked up, and before him sat the doctor.

Ou Tingyun smiled at him, gentle and polite: "Mr. Yi, please sit down."

In no hurry to cut to the chase, the doctor poured him a glass of warm water, "Is it raining outside?"

Yi Zhize started to get a headache.

He subconsciously took out his cell phone and looked at the time on the screen.

September 12, 2021.

The day they first met.

Breathing slightly suffocated, Yi Zhize looked incredulously at the person in front of him.

Himself, was he already dead?

It is said that people who have just died will replay the events they have experienced in their lives like a revolving horse lantern.

So, after going through this memory, what kind of end would he be facing?

Ou Tingyun laughed: "Mr. Yi? It's easy to misunderstand when you stare at me like that. If I remember correctly, this is our first meeting."

Yi Zhize softly said, "I'm sorry."

"Forgive me," Ou Tingyun's smile was casual and relaxed, with a hint of imperceptible arrogance: "do you take me for someone else?"

"No." Yi Zhize denied, "No."

"It's autumn, but at this time of year, there is always rain." Ou Tingyun asked, "Mr. Yi has some moisture in his hair, did you forget to bring an umbrella?"

"It wasn't raining when I went out." Yi Zhize didn't know why he was continuing the conversation with him, but for whatever reason, he didn't want to leave either.

If everything could start again, perhaps, Yi Zhize thought, they wouldn't have come to this point in the end.

"Teacher," Yi Zhize said, "help me with hypnosis."

Even knowing that this was a web woven by unreal memories,

even knowing that it was a trap and a cage that he had laid for him from the beginning,

but, but....

———

Love and death have been paired together since the beginning of time.

The will to love is the will to die!

Cowards, thus I say unto you!

They think that morality can be all humble and tame,

but this is mediocrity.

although it is also called temperance.

All good things have a thousand sources.

All mischief exists for pleasure.

How can they do it just once?

– Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

———

The will to love,

that is preparation for death.

Immoral decline,

how can they do it just once?

In the treatment room, Yi Zhize closed his eyes and felt the doctor's touch and guidance.

His gentle voice in his ears, forgetting the years of sinking into confusion.

If he is destined for disaster and eternal reincarnation.

Then, drinking poison to quench thirst is doomed to do nothing, it is better to fall with it willingly.

Yi Zhize said, "Dr. Ou Tingyun."

"Hmm?"

"I just lied."

"What?"

"I did mistake you for someone else."

"Did you?" The doctor spared a thought, "And who did you mistake me for? Mr. Yi?"

"No, actually I did not mistake you." Yi Zhize looked at him, his tone cold, his eyes deep, the teardrop mole at the corner of his eyes bewitching: "Would you be interested in playing a game with me?"

The Adam's apple in Ou Tingyun's throat rolled and a complex look flashed across the bottom of his eyes, "As your psychotherapist, according to ethical principles..."

"Ethical principles?" Yi Zhize began to laugh, "Teacher, with me, you don't have to say that."

"I have an illusion," Ou Tingyun was close to him, his warm breath in his ear, "are we...?"

"How do you want me to answer that?" Yi Zhize's smile was faint: "If I said, we were once lovers, would you believe me or not?"

"I have come into contact with many people with mental illnesses, and there are no small number of people with delusions of grandeur," Ou Tingyun stared at him, "but you do not fit the profile of a typical patient suffering from any kind of delusion. Perhaps I can assume that you are..."

"Yes," said Yi Zhize, "I'm inviting you."

"Why should I say yes to you?" Even though he was already distraught, the doctor pretended to remain subdued: "You are my patient, and I...."

"And you, on the other hand, are even sicker and more hopeless than I am."

———

Lust: a venomous sting for all scorners of flesh in horsehair shirts, it is a burnt-out pillar.

Lust: for the lowly rascal, a warm flaming fire; for rotten wood and stinking rags, a blazing fire.

Lust: for a free heart is freedom and innocence, the joy of an earthly garden; the future's overflowing gratitude for the present.

Lust: a sweet poison only to the decrepit; a great consolation to those who have a lion's heart, a mellow wine carefully stored.

Lust: a model of the highest happiness and the happiness of the highest hopes.

This supple and dynamic flesh, this dancer, a specimen and symbol of its own hedonistic soul.

– Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

———

In the midst of his lust, he reached a reconciliation with his ego.

By this immoral dream of illusion, it took him to the other side of eternal sleep.

They are together, naturally.

They talk about law, morality, psychology, human nature, sin and judgement.

Their opinions often contradict each other.

Neither of them can convince the other, but they can understand the other.

Neither of them is willing to change his mind for the other, but neither of them is willing to change the other's mind.

And in every argument, that doctor often fell short of the lawyer.

Like a winning general in a courtroom, Yi Zhize's smile was bland, his tone cool and his logic clear, and he was a man you could not help but be impressed by.

Reasoning is no match for him, but Ou Tingyun is like a cheating miscreant, a rebel who doesn't play by the rules, a gambler who ignores the rules, who picks him up and drags him into the room for another conquest of lust and pleasure.

They are together, and the years pass easily, not knowing what year it is.

Memories of the past mingled with the present, and many times Yi Zhize could not distinguish.

Was the reality of himself falling into such an illusory dream, or was the remembered past nothing more than a fantasy of his real self?

On that day, Victor had just returned to the firm from England.

The scene of their reunion was not quite the same as the one he remembered.

Victor still played games with him, reminiscing about his time at UCL Law School, but did not bring the case of the British doctor.

At the end of his shift, Victor said, "Yi, let me drop you off, I have something I want to talk to you about."

Having an ominous feeling, Yi Zhize declined, "No need, I have someone coming to pick me up."

"Yi, in fact, I have only one purpose for returning to China this time." Victor's blue eyes were full of sincerity, "I've come especially for you."

"Victor," Yi Zhize interrupted, "let's stop here today, there are things from the past that need not be mentioned now.

"Why not?" Victor said stubbornly, "Something has been bothering me for a long time and I feel I must put an end to it. I want to apologise to you again for what happened back then, and," He pulled out a crimson rose with fresh dew on its petals, "I'm going to ask you for your love."

Over Victor's shoulder, Yi Zhize saw Ou Tingyun.

The doctor's familiar face was covered with a smile that made his hair stand on end.

It was as warm as the wind, and gentle.

It might not be obvious to others, but Yi Zhize understood.

Under his gentle appearance, there was a kind of tyranny and madness.

Yi Zhize calmly said, "Sorry, Victor." He walked over to Ou Tingyun and took his hand, "Let me introduce you to Mr. Ou Tingyun, my lover."

Victor rubbed his nose awkwardly and smiled graciously, "It was rude of me. Well, I wish you happiness, Yi."

On the way back, Ou Tingyun didn't say a word.

Yi Zhize asked, "Tingyun, are you angry?"

"No," Ou Tingyun rubbed his hair, "Ze Ze, I was just thinking that you're too good and I'm afraid someone else will steal you away, I'm a little scared."

Suddenly a light rain fell on both of them, wetting their hair and clothes.

Night had arrived and the lights were on.

Ou Tingyun said, "Ze Ze, I was thinking that you really know me too well. When we first met, you said that I was very sick. And frankly, it's true. Just now, do you know what's going on in my head?"

Raindrops slid down the side of his face, trickling into his collar and stirring up a slight chill.

The doctor said: "I was wondering, were you plotting something, right from the start? I know there is a type of person who has always taken pleasure in playing with the emotions of others."

Yi Zhize did not expect things to develop like this.

Ou Tingyun looked at him innocently, "Ze Ze, everything you did to me, every step of the way, was planned in advance and well thought out, wasn't it?"

Yi Zhize felt his scalp go numb.

"Ze Ze, every word of reassurance, every promise, every moment of tenderness you gave to me was just a rehearsed illusion, right?"

Yi Zhize began to tremble gently.

"When I saw you reject that man just now, I imagined the scenario of you leaving me, what reason would you give? But none of that matters anymore." Ou Tingyun stood in the rain, his eyes burning as if they were on fire: "Now, I can no longer live without you, so, no matter what the means, you cannot escape me, Zhize."

The doctor's expression was clearly one of extreme paranoia.

Yi Zhize recalled the past of mutual torture:

bloodthirsty killings, tyrannical monarchs.

Will it happen again, in the same way?

A great pain rose in his skull, as if everything in the world was intertwined and torn apart.

He thought it could be changed, but in the end, he could not escape the joke of fate.

Yi Zhize walked blankly into the rainy night.

"Ze Ze!"

Someone called out to him.

Yi Zhize heard someone shouting for him.

There was the fierce sound of brakes in his ears,

the pungent scent of tyres on asphalt was between his nostrils.

There was the smell of blood.

But unlike the past,

Yi Zhize was pushed violently out of the way and stumbled over the edge of a muddy flower bed.

In front of his eyes was,

his lover.

Collapsed in a pool of blood.

———

Imagine this thought experiment:

If a demon were to say to you,

this life, the life you are living now and the life you have lived in the past, you will have to go through it again.

And it would be repeated again and again an infinite number of times, and there would be nothing new in it.

All the pains and joys, all the unspeakable things in your life, big and small, will come back to you.

All in the same order and in the same cause-and-effect relationship.

This gust of wind with those trees, that muddy rock that made you lose your footing, that graveyard and the fear.

That warm moment when you put your arm around me and whispered these words.

What would you do if all this would repeat itself again and again?

– Yalom, When Nietzsche Wept

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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HAPPY ENDING

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: December 25, 2022