My Vampire Faints at Blood Chapter 53

Lactose Intolerance Can Cause Diarrhoea

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"... So you've thought this far ahead?" Nodding in awe, the vampire, who had never thought about such things before, looked at the Tibetan fox who was thirsty for knowledge in front of him, blinked, and suddenly fell into deep thought, "He's known who I am from the start, and as for the rest, I've never given it a second thought. Our lives have been harmonious so far–"

"Sooner or later it's going to get discordant... Let's say I, for example, sometimes have a craving that I can't resist and sneak off to snag some rodent. How do you think I'd explain that to him if he saw me?" Jia Duobao shook his head worriedly, sighed with a headache, and raised his hand to scratch his hair a few times out of habit, "I often worry about that. Because of this, a lot of hair has fallen out already, and every day I am afraid that it will clog the bathroom drain..."

"So this is the point of fear?" Forced to give up on the idea of calling Jialun to reach out to him, the pureblood king, who owned a villa, blinked, but was still considerate enough not to say more and just patted him sympathetically on the shoulder, "I really can't give you any valid advice – but I think that if the time comes when you really have to, it's always better to at least come clean than to hide, don't you?"

"You make a good point. You're both good people, and you're much more likeable than your kind." The half-blood Tibetan fox nodded seriously, gave the vampire a good guy card in good faith, and made an inviting gesture with one hand, "Please get in, we're leaving now, Haidi's probably already waiting."

It was just getting dark and it was the evening rush hour after work. As soon as the car turned onto the main road, it was stuck in traffic, and the three monsters, each with their own agenda, were unable to reveal themselves, so they accompanied the only human in the traffic for over an hour before they finally managed to reach Phoenix Hotpot City, two blocks away.

"Come on, come on, it's been a long journey – let's all go and sit in the private room, I'll pour you drinks right now!"

It was rare to find a human who didn't act surprised when he learned who he was, and the little phoenix couldn't have been more excited. The little phoenix was so excited that he dragged Shang Haojia out of the door with him, muttering and chatting the whole way, even as he poured a drink.

Haidi Lao has always been known for his attentive service, and this time was certainly no exception. Servers of all shapes and sizes, dressed in uniform, moved deftly from table to table, doing their jobs. Whistling proudly, Haidi took out two glasses and handed them to the human doctor, "How is it, aren't all my staff exceptionally well trained?"

"It's very good, and there are a lot of personalities..." Taking the cool towel from the only waiter who looked more normal, Doctor Shang, who had the accompanying air conditioner, said thank you, wiped the non-existent sweat from his face and set the towel aside.

"Of course there's personalities here – the one who just gave you the towel is a swallow spirit, the one with half white and half black hair is a magpie, and the one with pink hair is a flamingo. The few over there with the hats are chicken spirits, a few of them are brothers, and they can't really hide the crowns on their heads, so they have to wear top hats to keep them out of the way..."

"... It seems you've really put the hundred birds to good use." Looking at the room full of service birds, Shang Haojia nodded in awe and moved over to take two cups of sour plum juice, "So – are they all unpaid?"

"Of course, they all come to work voluntarily! Anyway, if I'm short of staff I'll just go around outside, I'm sure I won't be unable to recruit." The little phoenix nodded without hesitation, peered at the ice machine again, and with a big wave of his arm, a gush of cold air laden with ice crystals poured in,  "This store is basically a zero-cost operation, except for the rent. It's all top quality fresh ingredients, all the eagles go out every day before dawn and bring them back, the magpies are in charge of transport, the roosters are in charge of accounting, and I'm in charge of adding cold air to the ice machine and fire to the hotpot – we use proper Nirvana true fire in this store, everything cooked is as good as Nirvana!"

"That's really a very special kind of delicious..." Almost impressed by this sincere advertising slogan, Doctor Shang heartily sighed and was about to return with his drink when his pocket suddenly moved a few times.

When he lowered his head, a small head poked out. Looking around excitedly, his eyes suddenly lit up, "Brother, look, there is a lot of good food!"

"Oh my god, a dragon!" By the sudden appearance of the little guy, the little phoenix jumped backwards, a splendid feather exploded on his head, as he seemed thoroughly scared, "He- he-he called you brother! You are not a human being either!"

"No, it's not me he's calling..." Shang Haojia smiled helplessly and gently touched Xian Bei's dragon horns before he was about to explain, when Xian Bao, who had heard his brother's call, emerged from his other pocket, "Where? Where is the good food?!"

"Oh my god, two dragons aahh!!!" The little phoenix's voice went another octave higher and he dropped a feather in fear. Fluttering his arms twice, he shivered and jumped to the counter, hiding behind an iron rooster, "You-you-you tell them not to eat me! Al-al-although I feel as if they can not eat me for the time being..."

"Don't worry, they are both very well behaved and will not eat anything indiscriminately." Surprised at the fallen-haired phoenix that was less than a chicken, Shang Haojia waved towards him, patted the two little dragons soothingly, and couldn't help but look up curiously, "Do dragons still eat phoenixes? I always thought it was the dragon and the phoenix that..."

"Dragons don't eat the Chinese phoenix, but will eat foreign ones – my father was eaten by a dragon once. It was a pain in the ass to escape later and he had to wait to get out of his belly in some form before he could regain his nirvana..." Haidi Lao poked his head over and looked around, confirming that Shang Haojia didn't have any features belonging to a dragon on his body before he carefully moved back, "You're really not a dragon, are you? I tell you, I'm not afraid of you at all, my Nirvana true fire can be powerful!"

"I know, it can also be used to cook hotpot, it's especially practical." Rubbing the little phoenix's head soothingly, the human doctor's eyes took on some patient laughter, and he coughed lightly in a serious manner. "I'm the keeper for both of them – I actually have a little Taotie at home, and if I had known you would be treating me today, I would have brought him out."

"No, no, no – forget about the Taotie. My brother opened a small hotpot buffet before which was collapsed by a Taotie." The little phoenix shook his head, and looked at the two small dragons, eyes suddenly filled with some envy, "It's great that you've found a keeper at such a young age. I also want to find a keeper so I don't have to work hard to open a store to earn money to buy bamboo and spring water..."

"How sad. Is that all you eat?" Xian Bao was so bold that he flew out of his doctor brother's pocket and flew around him curiously.

Haidi Lao was too frightened to move, his body stood straight and his eyes alertly followed the little dragon around, "Yes, we phoenixes 'do not stop until we have a sycamore tree, do not eat until we have cultivated, and do not drink until we have a sweet spring'. But the fruit borne by the bamboo is too hard to buy, and sweet spring water is becoming scarce now, so if I drink ordinary mineral water, I will be water sugar intolerant..."

"What is water sugar again..." Doctor Shang couldn't help but rub the corner of his forehead, whisper the moniker of the Phoenix clan, and beckon Xian Bao to fly back into his pocket, "Let me ask one more question, you can eat so little, but you actually came to open a hotpot restaurant, is it for self-abuse?"

"No – I'll let you in on a secret, but you must not tell other phoenixes..." Haidi's eyes turned and after a wary glance in all directions, he came up to him and mysteriously lowered his voice, "In fact, we ourselves will also eat in secret, but we don't dare to let our elders find out, and we are afraid that if humans find out, it will tarnish our glorious image – Each phoenix is given a small red dot on its hand at birth, called 'mouth guarding sand', and once it eats something bought from outside, it is immediately detected by the monitoring phoenix. But I don't have that problem with my own shop, and although I get diarrhoea if I eat it, I'm still much happier than my companions..."

"Then you phoenixes have had a very miserable life – it's a terrible thing to think that you're immortal and have not been able to eat as much as you like for generations." Sympathy for the phoenix clan was growing day by day, Doctor Shang patted the little phoenix's shoulder sympathetically, as he nodded seriously while holding his chin, "If I'm right, even the bed you sleep on, probably also sycamore wood, right?"

"How can a phoenix sleep on a bed!? The elders of our clan have said that a noble and sacred phoenix is not allowed to sleep on a bed. We either have to stand on a sycamore branch and sleep directly on it, or we have to build a nest, and the nest has to be in a tree – the only time I don't have to follow these rules is when I sneak away to my dad's for my annual holiday." Having finally found someone he could relate to, the little phoenix was moved to tears and took his hands in his and shook them twice as hard as he could, "You're such a good person, you even understand our pain – I always thought about the phoenix's rebirth, but when I think about it, what's the point? I'd still be a phoenix anyway if I did it all over again..."

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: March 13, 2022

Edited: August 18, 2023