Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 27

Chapter 27

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Was time still passing? Xu Yan stared at the hands he and Shen Zhi had intertwined, feeling a vague sense of unreality. He deconstructed Shen Zhi's words, dissecting each character, every radical, flipping them horizontally and vertically, bending and twisting, to ensure he hadn't misheard or misunderstood.

He couldn't recall how long the silence had lasted, he just suddenly sensed Shen Zhi approaching from behind, his breathing becoming clearer. Xu Yan remained in his position by the door. Shen Zhi held his hand, and slowly, Shen Zhi's other hand encircled Xu Yan's waist, his forehead gently resting against the back of Xu Yan's head, as if inhaling his scent.

"Xu Yan," Shen Zhi whispered in the stillness, his warm breath ambiguously caressing Xu Yan's nape. "She wasn't wrong. I like you."

"I love you." Shen Zhi closed his eyes, holding Xu Yan a bit tighter, speaking with clear conviction.

He felt a sense of relief, knowing Xu Yan had been waiting for this confession, and he had finally been able to say it.

It wasn't that difficult, not difficult at all, Shen Zhi thought, just a few words. Why had he avoided them for years, so resistant to admitting the truth? Once spoken, it felt like a floodgate had opened in his chest, with countless words rushing forth, yet he couldn't find the right way to express them all. But Shen Zhi felt that a simple "I love you" might be enough.

"Oh," Xu Yan replied.

Shen Zhi was taken aback. In the next second, Xu Yan pushed his hand away, turned around, and asked expressionlessly, "So?"

"I..." Shen Zhi tried to discern any sign on Xu Yan's face, be it surprise, astonishment, shock, or disbelief, but there was nothing. Xu Yan was unnervingly calm.

"What were you expecting?" Xu Yan asked indifferently. "Did you think I'd lose my mind and be overwhelmed with gratitude just because you said you like me? Do you think those words are so remarkable?" He leaned against the door frame, crossing his arms and smiling faintly. "Shen Zhi, you're quite interesting. I've been orbiting around you for four years, and you kept your mouth shut so tightly, refusing to give me more than one word. Now, after two months apart, you can finally say you love me."

"If I'd known it would be like this, I wouldn't have bothered so much. I should have left earlier, what do you think?"

"Xu Yan," Shen Zhi said softly, frowning. "Can we have a proper talk?"

Xu Yan's gaze lingered on his face for a long time before he suddenly laughed, large tears rolling down his cheeks even as he laughed. "Forget it," Xu Yan said.

With that, he turned back into the house and immediately tried to close the door. Shen Zhi quickly reached out to stop it and pushed the door open. Xu Yan had already retreated into the darkness, his voice sounding strained as he restrained himself with great force. "Don't come any closer."

Shen Zhi stood at the door, worriedly calling out, "Xu Yan?" He felt a sense of impending collapse, a lifeless despair spreading from the shadows of the living room toward him, like a tide – originating from Xu Yan.

"How can you say you love me?" Xu Yan's voice trembled slightly. "I would rather you hate me."

He would rather Shen Zhi never love him, would rather Shen Zhi hate him for the rest of his life, than hear him say "I love you" at this moment. Xu Yan had hoped that Shen Zhi might like him, he had yearned for it every second of every day, but he was also painfully aware that it was impossible – how could someone who had shown nothing but coldness, disdain, and impatience suddenly declare their love?

Xu Yan had thought he had been waiting for those words, but when Shen Zhi finally said them, he realised he didn't want to hear them at all.

"How dare you say you love me?" Xu Yan enunciated each word. "I know what brand of yoghurt you like, I know you don't like celery, I know you prefer sitting on the left side of the sofa... What about you, how much do you know about me?"

"You don't respect me. You give me the silent treatment. You make me doubt myself, force me to reflect on everything I do. Now you say you love me. Who would want such a terrible love? Do you think you deserve to fucking say you love me?"

The light leaking from the corridor seeped in at the doorway, and Shen Zhi stood in that light, but no matter how hard Xu Yan tried, he couldn't make out his face. Shen Zhi was rigid, as if struck by a slap, his face pale, and after a while, he said hoarsely, "I'm sorry."

"It's my personality problem, I..." He closed his eyes in pain and said, "I don't know how to love."

"If you don't know how to love, can't you learn? Are you a waste?" Xu Yan mocked, "Don't make excuses. Not loving is not loving. I've never seen such a heartless love." 

He was actually about to collapse. If there were something within reach, he would have thrown it. But Xu Yan still forced himself to stand, coldly saying, "Get out. I don't want to see you again."

It was terrible, something inside him was rapidly disintegrating, a deeply immersed emotion, a desperately healing wound, a reckless fear, a self-deceptive comfort... Xu Yan had come to accept that Shen Zhi didn't love him and could face all the unresolved feelings. But he couldn't confront this reality – the person who claimed to love him had cruelly trampled on his devotion for four years.

What kind of bullshit love was this? If this was all Shen Zhi could offer, if Xu Yan had known earlier... He definitely wouldn't have agreed to try when Shen Zhi suggested it.

"Xu Yan," Shen Zhi still remembered the tears that had fallen from Xu Yan's eyes not long ago, mixed with an untimely smile, a sight so complicated that it stung – Xu Yan had cried in front of him for the first time. Shen Zhi's voice was hoarse. "It's my fault, I'm sorry." He didn't know what else to do besides apologise. He only knew that a belated confession was a sharp blade, causing nothing but hurt.

The living room was silent. Xu Yan's rapid breathing turned into uncontrollable sobs. He sat on the sofa, elbows resting on his knees, eyes buried in his palms. "Shen Zhi, you're really ruthless."

"I'm begging you, just take it that I was being a fool before. Let this be the last time. Let me go, okay?"

A surge of indescribable panic rose in Shen Zhi's heart. He walked towards Xu Yan, but Xu Yan suddenly lifted his head, the tears on his face glistening faintly in the dim light. "I've already been reduced to this by you. Don't come closer, don't make me hate you."

His fragile self-esteem, already hanging by a thread, finally shattered today. The only thing he could do was hide his wretched state in the darkness. If Shen Zhi insisted on exposing it, Xu Yan would truly hate him.

"Go, Shen Zhi," Xu Yan choked out.

Shen Zhi's throat felt as dry as a desert, barely able to produce any sound. He slowly turned and walked towards the door, from the shadows into the light, then closed the door, leaving Xu Yan a complete, safe space to vent and find solace alone.

Only then did he truly understand his mistake – it wasn't that he didn't know how to love, but that he had hurt others coldly while being unable to love. Xu Yan loved him so much, with a full, fervent heart, eager to give it all, yet Shen Zhi had continuously poured cold water on that burning heart for over four years, watching it harden, lose colour, and eventually be taken back by Xu Yan, who carefully tried to warm it again, begging it to abandon its delusions and beat only for himself from now on.

His confession today had broken the fragile barrier Xu Yan had been holding up. Shen Zhi truly didn't deserve to say he loved him. Xu Yan had endured loneliness, disappointment, isolation, and blows in this relationship, giving his all and receiving nothing in return, and Shen Zhi was the main culprit – cold, self-centred, stubborn, blind, and self-imprisoned. He owed Xu Yan so much, just saying love was not enough, not by a long shot.

Through the door, Shen Zhi heard Xu Yan's deeply suppressed, anguished cries. Seconds later, there was a loud crash as a glass hit the door, shattering into pieces. It felt as if those shards had also snapped the taut nerves in Shen Zhi's body. The fragments exploded in his chest, piercing his organs, the glass shards tumbling in his blood, causing him to lower his head, hunch his back, and want to curl up completely.

———

The author has something to say:

If you had stayed two seconds longer, that glass would have hit your head.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: July 2, 2024 by Angel

Edited: July 27, 2024 by Angel