Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 20

Chapter 20

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Stalking – how fresh. Shen Zhi had never been so sarcastically insulted before, and his face noticeably stiffened for a moment. After a brief silence, he suddenly reached out and took Xu Yan's phone, saying, "Xu Yan, we need to talk."

"Shen Zhi, give me back my phone," Xu Yan replied in the same tone and pitch as Shen Zhi. He didn't want to talk about anything. Talking meant analysing, exposing – he had once foolishly laid bare his true feelings for Shen Zhi to see. Over the years, those feelings had been thrown away, trampled on, wasted, ignored, and repeatedly crushed. Xu Yan had finally learned to fear pain and embarrassment. Now, he wanted to take back what little was left, to reclaim it completely, and never make a fool of himself again.

He didn't even want to guess why Shen Zhi had followed him, any guesses would be a waste of effort. In the past, reality had poured too many buckets of cold water over Xu Yan. Although he still hadn't learned to swim, he could at least give himself a life buoy. Life was important, and he only had one heart. The less hurt it endured, the better.

Shen Zhi locked the phone screen, letting his hand hang by his side, showing no intention of returning the phone to Xu Yan. Suddenly, he said, "I'm not getting engaged."

"Of course you aren't," Because Tang Yunyan is back, and you've chosen your true love. Xu Yan responded, smiling indifferently. "But what does that have to do with me? Do you want to see me be tearfully grateful or overjoyed? Give me a hundred thousand dollars, and I'll act it out for you."

His manner was baffling, seeming completely unconcerned and indifferent. Even though he had a smile on his lips, his eyes were cold. Shen Zhi suddenly felt a hollowness in his chest for a few seconds, as if something was sinking and slipping away, but he couldn't grasp it. Because he couldn't grasp it, he couldn't be sure what it was.

"Don't look at me like that," Xu Yan clicked his tongue, talking nonsense. "You know, we Scorpios are all rather heartless. If we can't talk about feelings, we can only talk about money."

"Aren't you a Virgo?" Shen Zhi looked at him, correcting him like a diligent student correcting a wrong answer.

This answer was completely unexpected, like a few seconds of a Tom and Jerry cartoon suddenly inserted into a science documentary. Xu Yan was stunned – Shen Zhi actually remembered his zodiac sign. But he didn't have the mind to dwell on it now, Xu Yan said, "My sign is Scorpio, is that not okay?" He stretched out his hand to Shen Zhi. "Give me my phone."

"Xu Yan," Shen Zhi called him again, his brow slightly furrowed, seemingly unsure how to deal with this unfamiliar, prickly Xu Yan, who was covered in spikes and tightly curled up, alert and stubborn – When had Xu Yan ever been like this? In the past few years, he had always given his love selflessly, as if it was never-ending. Now, it had disappeared completely, as if overnight.

"Shen Zhi," Xu Yan replied seriously again. "If you can give me a reason for following me here today, I'll consider talking to you."

He guessed correctly – Shen Zhi couldn't say it.

The words "I just wanted to see you" clashed in his mouth several times but couldn't be spoken. Shen Zhi himself couldn't explain why he had driven straight here as if possessed right after leaving the company, even hanging up on a dozen calls from his mother on the way. He vaguely remembered Meng Yuwan asking him to leave time for dinner today and his assistant reminding him, but he had no memory of what exactly it was about. For the first time in over twenty years, he had been so forgetful, and it all happened in the month since Xu Yan left, as if everything had been thrown into chaos and all order had been lost.

Xu Yan smiled faintly. "Can't say it? Then let me say it for you."

"Because you're unwilling to let go, you're unwilling to accept that the person who clung to you for years was the one who ended things. You're not used to it. You remember the good things about me and feel uncomfortable without me being good to you, that's all." Xu Yan said, "I admit, if you want to enjoy having a wife and a concubine, you have the capital to do that. But sorry, I'm not playing along. You drove over an hour to get here, don't waste your time on me. It's pointless."

"I don't know exactly what to say to make you believe that we are really over. I won't bother you or cling to you anymore. Whoever you get engaged to or marry is none of my business," Xu Yan felt his heart hanging precariously. At this point, even half a second of softness would make it shatter, so he could only remain tough. He took a deep breath and said, "If you want my life, I could give it to you without blinking, past, present, and future. But Shen Zhi, I really don't like you anymore."

He knew Shen Zhi heard him clearly, but he still looked into his eyes and repeated, "Did you hear me, Shen Zhi? I don't like you anymore."

A clean break was necessary, whether for Shen Zhi's bit of reluctance or his own worthless love accumulated over the years. Xu Yan had long decided on a clean cut, but maybe because he had grovelled so deeply before, just saying it was over wasn't enough to convince Shen Zhi. He had to be explicit to make his stance clear... so he said it.

The surrounding silence was so heavy, it felt like a storm was coming. The sound of raindrops hitting the ground was faintly audible – a physiological reaction similar to tinnitus. Shen Zhi's fingers twitched, as if they were the only part of his body that could move at that moment. After a long while, he finally spoke, his voice slightly hoarse, "I'm not unwilling."

"You are," Xu Yan said confidently. "Otherwise, give me a reason."

Shen Zhi's eyelashes fluttered and he averted his eyes slightly, a sign of avoidance. Xu Yan's tongue tasted a bit bitter. He chuckled softly, "Shen Zhi, admit it. You just can't get over the fact that I was the one who said we should break up first."

Not wanting to be entangled any longer, Xu Yan reached for his phone. His fingertips brushed against Shen Zhi's hand, which was cold. Xu Yan remembered that when the weather turned cold, Shen Zhi's hands were always icy when he got into bed. Xu Yan would hold his hands under the covers and jokingly announce, 'Master, your hand warmer is online!' Shen Zhi would tell him to shut up and sleep, and stop talking.

There might have been moments of happiness, but if only one person was creating them, it was too fragile. Xu Yan had once firmly believed that love alone could sustain him, but later he discovered that one-sided affection couldn't quench his thirst, but would lead to drought, making him die of thirst before he could starve.

Their relationship was like a desert, with only Xu Yan trying to water it from beginning to end, relying on occasional mirages for comfort.

But a desert remained a desert; one person alone could never turn it into an oasis. Without sunlight or nutrients, even if a vast expanse of vegetation were planted, it would only await withering.

That feeling of watching vibrant life gradually fade away was truly distressing and helpless.

As soon as Xu Yan retrieved his phone, it rang. He glanced at Shen Zhi, answered the call, and turned to leave: "Hey, Ji Huai."

"I’m working tomorrow, how about in the evening? You book a place first, and I'll join you after work," he said as he walked towards the elevator, not looking back. His eyes felt a bit sore, and he blinked to clear his vision – everything was fine.

Shen Zhi returned home two hours later. The house was just as dark as he had seen it every night for the past month. He didn't turn on the lights, changing his shoes at the entrance – There was no worry about wearing the wrong pair because only one pair of slippers remained. Shen Zhi went upstairs in the dark, accidentally kicking the stairs midway and stumbling forward. He steadied himself by gripping the handrail, paused for a few seconds with his head down, and then continued upwards.

The sound of the light switch clicking on was piercing. Shen Zhi stood at the bedroom door, unsure what he was looking at. The room seemed exceptionally clean, as if no one had ever lived there. White walls, grey bed sheets, and black furniture, the only discordant element was a small green crocodile on Xu Yan's pillow.

Walking into the closet, Shen Zhi opened the cabinet door that belonged to Xu Yan. Inside, hoodies, sweaters and jackets hung neatly, exuding a faint, gentle scent of laundry detergent. Every time he smelled this, Shen Zhi would envision Xu Yan quietly hanging, collecting, and folding clothes, calm, focused, relaxed... Shen Zhi had never understood why Xu Yan could be so patient and happy doing household chores. Now, he seemed to suddenly get it because of what Xu Yan had said – If you want my life, I could give it to you without blinking, past, present, and future.

Because Xu Yan loved him, he put his heart into everything, no matter how trivial the task.

Then what did Xu Yan say next? It was as if Shen Zhi had only just come to his senses, realising what he had heard two hours earlier.

– Shen Zhi, I really don't like you anymore. I don't like you anymore.

How could those words come out of Xu Yan's mouth – It was this incredulous feeling that made Shen Zhi instinctively block it out, replying with an insignificant "I'm not unwilling," but that wasn’t the point. The point was, Xu Yan said he didn’t like him anymore.

So, the previous statement "we're over" meant it was truly over.

Back then, with such feelings, he wanted to give it a try with Xu Yan. What has he ultimately found out now? Does it have any meaning?

His chest felt completely hollow, a severe sense of falling, something sinking to the bottom. Shen Zhi's throat moved, his brow furrowed, and after a long time, he let out a breath. He turned to look at the closet door, knowing that beyond his obstructed view lay a large house where Xu Yan would never appear again.

The phone rang. Shen Zhi slowly reached out to answer it. Meng Yuwan's voice was cold and severe: "Shen Zhi, do you know how many times I've called you? I told you that tonight's dinner was important. Is it that you don't care about what I say, or is your assistant incompetent and didn't remind you?"

"I forgot." Shen Zhi's eyes were vacant as he replied.

Meng Yuwan didn't notice her son's hoarse voice, her tone filled with rage: "Forgot? What have you been thinking about lately? You've been turned around by a man, not knowing where your mind is. Come home after work tomorrow, we need to have a proper talk."

She quickly hung up, seemingly uninterested in Shen Zhi's response.

Shen Zhi lowered his eyes to the phone screen, then sat down in front of Xu Yan's closet, his head slightly bowed, his hair brushing against the sleeves of Xu Yan's clothes. The familiar fragrance gradually enveloped him. He remembered once coming home late because of work, so exhausted that he fell asleep in the closet while getting clothes. When he woke up, Xu Yan had wrapped his arms around him. They sat on the carpet, Xu Yan touched his face and hair, smiling but showing a hint of concern, asking, "Shall I warm you a cup of milk?"

Too tired to speak, Shen Zhi nodded with his eyes closed, leaning into Xu Yan's embrace. He had never had a concept of home, but at that moment, he felt something he had never experienced before. Xu Yan's expression, gaze, and tone created a small, full world, like an amusement park – that was what he had only ever given to Shen Zhi.

Looking back now, that feeling wasn't brief. It had always been there, only noticed by Shen Zhi in his most relaxed and vulnerable moments.

Now, he had been expelled, the amusement park collapsed into a cold, silent ruin, and all that greeted him was the frigid winter wind of the desert.

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The author has something to say:

Mu Zhi: High-priced purchase of a talking mouth.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: June 24, 2024 by Angel

Edited: June 27, 2024 by Angel