Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 18

Chapter 18

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(Author: Regarding the last chapter, I would like to say that Xu Yan did not know that the alcohol was drugged, and Shen Zhi did not know it at that time, both of them thought that it was ordinary alcohol, so one gave it and the other one drank it)

In the hotel room, Shen Zhi's personal doctor stood by the bed, giving him a brief examination and confirming there were no issues. Finally, he asked, "Are you sure?" Shen Zhi, with a pale complexion, sat on the bed with his head lowered. He pressed his temple and said, "I'm sure. I didn't black out, I remember everything clearly."

"From your description, it doesn't sound like a normal reaction to alcohol, but there should have been a very small amount." The doctor paused. "Housekeeping might not have cleaned up yet. Should we take the alcohol for testing? Or check the trash can for any remaining packaging?"

Shen Zhi frowned, looking cold and irritable. After a long silence, he listlessly said, "No need."

"In the future, you shouldn't celebrate your birthday like this. You see them as friends, but there's always the risk of someone having bad intentions. Fortunately, nothing serious happened this time, but how would you explain it if something did?" Shen Zhi's expression clearly showed he had a good idea who it was but was unwilling to pursue it further. The doctor sighed. "I won't tell your family about this, but if you feel unwell, let me know immediately, okay?"

Shen Zhi nodded.

When they reached the hotel lobby, Shen Zhi walked towards the front desk, glancing at the doctor as he did so. The doctor wisely didn't follow him, heading outside first. Shen Zhi approached the desk and handed the room key to the receptionist. "Can you tell me who booked my room? Room 2026. I had too many friends over yesterday, and I can't remember."

"Please wait a moment, Mr. Shen, let me check." The receptionist typed on the keyboard and then replied, "It was someone called Xu Yan."

Shen Zhi's lips tightened instantly. He lowered his voice and asked, "What time did he book the room?"

"7:23 PM."

At that time, they had just gone upstairs, which meant that Xu Yan, who had early morning commitments the next day and couldn't have slept at the hotel, had booked the room before the birthday party started. Shen Zhi remembered Xu Yan not touching a drop of alcohol last night, explaining that he had things to do in the morning. But now, that explanation didn't seem believable at all.

Once in the car, the doctor asked, "Do you know who it was?" Shen Zhi didn't respond. He leaned back in the seat, closed his eyes to rest for a while, then took out his phone and contacted someone in Xu Yan's class, asking: What has your class been busy with lately?

After sending the message, he closed his eyes again, his face expressionless. Soon, his phone rang. Shen Zhi raised his hand and saw the reply: We've been busy with various things. This morning, the whole department took a bus out of town and just got off now.

Shen Zhi didn't know how to describe his feelings at that moment. At least Xu Yan hadn't lied about this. But what about the rest? Shen Zhi scrolled through the chat history and saw a message Xu Yan had sent over two hours ago: Are you awake? Still feeling dizzy?

Shen Zhi stared at that message. He suddenly thought, somewhat ironically, that it would have been better if Xu Yan hadn't done it. It didn't matter who drugged the alcohol, as long as it wasn't Xu Yan. Then, after what happened last night, they might have been able to interact differently. Even if it wasn't the kind of relationship Xu Yan wanted, there could have been room for reconciliation. At least, they wouldn't have become strangers like in the past few months. Shen Zhi knew he couldn't take that step, it was too difficult, but he admitted he didn't want to sever ties with Xu Yan. He had never intended to.

Even when Xu Yan confessed to him, Shen Zhi had pretended not to hear it, actually giving them both an out – He could have outright rejected Xu Yan, and whatever happened after that wouldn't have mattered. But he gave an ambiguous answer, and Xu Yan still treated it as a rejection, avoiding him for months.

Avoiding him for months – then taking a desperate gamble to do something like this. Shen Zhi always thought Xu Yan was smart, but he couldn't understand why it turned out this way. He didn't understand what Xu Yan's feelings really meant. They hadn't gone all the way last night, so what was Xu Yan thinking – Chickening out at the last minute? Stopping just in time? Who knew?

A week later, the fieldwork ended. On the way back to school, Xu Yan was still sorting data and materials with his team. A few days earlier, he had sent an anonymous email to Li Ziyou after deliberating, detailing what he had seen and heard that night, without any additional comments. Having sent the email, he had a clear conscience. Whatever Li Ziyou decided to do was her business.

These few days had been exhausting, and Xu Yan hadn't had time to think about anything else, subconsciously forcing himself to forget that night, as if it had never happened – After all, Shen Zhi really wanted Yan Yan, not Yan Yan. This dog blood was too thick, pouring all over his body with a fishy smell, he just wanted to take a shower and sleep. The message he had sent Shen Zhi a week ago still had no reply. Xu Yan no longer had the energy to feel hurt, only fatigue. (Angel: The Yan from Tang Yunyan, 汤韵妍, is different from the Yan in Xu Yan, 许言.)

But as fate would have it, just as he lugged a tripod into the dormitory building covered in dust, he saw a tall figure – Shen Zhi, who didn't live on campus, standing in the boys' dormitory of the literature department. Someone who knew him greeted him, asking why he was there. Shen Zhi looked at Xu Yan and said, "I'm looking for him."

Xu Yan guessed Shen Zhi had come to ask why he took advantage of someone drunk or something like that. He handed the tripod and camera to his roommate, shouldered his backpack, and followed Shen Zhi out of the building. They walked to the flower bed, Xu Yan keeping his head down. Before Shen Zhi could speak, he said, "I'm sorry."

Shen Zhi was stunned and lowered his voice to ask him, "Why did you do it?"

Why else? When the person you like gets drunk and kisses you, it's natural to lose control. But if Xu Yan had known Shen Zhi wasn’t calling out his name at that moment, he would never have continued. Xu Yan raised his head to look at Shen Zhi and said, "Because I like you. I've said it before."

"So you just..." Shen Zhi paused, then coldly said, "Xu Yan, did you have to make things like this?"

"So I said I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I was too impulsive." Xu Yan rubbed his face, numb from the cold. He felt like he was about to die, exhausted and dejected. He thought he saw a glimmer of hope, only to have it extinguished overnight. It was really hard. He sighed and said, "You should remember, we didn't go all the way. I know you must mind what happened, so... I'll never bother you again. I'll quit the basketball team after the game the day after tomorrow, so you don't have to see me..."

The more he spoke, the more distressed he became. Xu Yan stopped his rambling. He raised his head, his eyes bloodshot, his voice nasally. He said, "But Shen Zhi, when I say I like you, I really mean it. If I disgust you or trouble you, I apologise again. I'm sorry."

His expression was one of forced stubbornness. Shen Zhi looked at him, unable to tell if he was genuinely emotional or utterly calculating. After all, Xu Yan apologised so straightforwardly. If his affection was sincere and unadulterated, why would Shen Zhi feel disgusted? But Xu Yan’s actions that night were so indecent, so underhanded – was that also considered affection?

Shen Zhi suddenly had a desire to understand to what extent Xu Yan's so-called 'like' would last, what he was willing to do... or something else, something indescribable, like a tangled web clinging together in the wind. He couldn't accurately and rationally describe Xu Yan's actions. In fact, Shen Zhi himself was in rare confusion. He shouldn't have had any hesitation, yet he was hesitating. He was teetering on a dividing line but didn't know what it meant – Sexual orientation? Forgiveness? Acceptance? He truly didn't know.

Seeing Shen Zhi remain silent for a long time, Xu Yan forced a difficult smile and said, "That's it then, I'll go back to my dorm first."

He turned to walk back to the dormitory, his hair tousled by the wind. The cold wind howled, and he heard Shen Zhi suddenly say from behind, "We can give it a try."

Xu Yan violently stopped in his tracks, turned around in disbelief, and asked hoarsely, "What?"

"We can give it a try," Shen Zhi repeated, standing under the grey winter sky, expressionless as he looked at Xu Yan.

His heart felt empty, as if each beat exploded into fireworks, pounding in his chest. Blood surged to his limbs, making his body instantly hot. Xu Yan's fingertips trembled, and he dumbly asked again, "Huh?"

Shen Zhi said nothing more, just looked at him. At that moment, Xu Yan's expression made him suddenly regret a little. He realised there was a flaw in his rationality, an ugly flaw, but it was too late to patch it up. He had already spoken, and spoken twice. That ambiguous dividing line, Shen Zhi hadn’t crossed it or retreated, he felt like he was standing right on it – he hadn’t made any definitive decision.

Xu Yan's eyes lit up. He belatedly replied, "Okay." It didn't matter anymore who Shen Zhi wanted that night, who he called for. As long as they could be together – he could work hard, he could wait. Xu Yan suddenly smiled, looking at Shen Zhi. His fatigue vanished, and the sky seemed to brighten.

Foolish and naive, looking back now, Xu Yan realised he had been deceived by such moments and fantasies. He had ignored Shen Zhi's indifferent tone and expression, leading to a bleak outcome. The last shred of beauty was thoroughly buried, leaving only bitterness and mess.

Over the past few years, Xu Yan had deliberately avoided the name Tang Yunyan. It might have been self-deception, but it was better than being constantly anxious and paranoid. But now, looking at those three characters, Xu Yan suddenly realised Shen Zhi's coldness and neglect might be because he was never a suitable replacement or successor – after all, even their genders were reversed. How could Shen Zhi ever love him? It was impossible.

Xu Yan felt ashamed and laughed at himself for being a fool for years, thinking he could move Shen Zhi. In truth, he was only moving himself, deceiving himself. He used to wonder what he did wrong, what he said wrong, why Shen Zhi was in a bad mood. Now he finally understood, his love was wrong – to Shen Zhi, Xu Yan’s love was wrong.

"Ge?" Seeing Xu Yan lost in thought, Xu Nian called out to him, "What are you thinking about?"

Xu Yan snapped back to reality and smiled. "Thinking about what to have for lunch."

Xu Nian replied, "Have some ambition!"

———

The author has something to say:

The cross-server chat started four years ago, and the impulsive one was actually Shen Zhi. If Xu Yan knew he had been misunderstood for so long, he would probably want to kill someone.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

JUST COMMUNICATE! End of my TED Talks.

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: June 21, 2024 by Angel

Edited: June 27, 2024 by Angel