Wilderness Vegetation Chapter 15

Chapter 15

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Shen Zhi drove the car to a nearby greenbelt and stopped, his face cold. Xu Yan lowered his head and fiddled with his DSLR, feeling unnatural in this confined space, especially since their relationship had ended – Xu Yan couldn't help but think of the indescribable things that had happened between him and Shen Zhi in this car. Although it was only a few times, it was precisely because it was only a few times that those memories were all the more vivid.

After a long while, Shen Zhi still didn't speak. Xu Yan continued to touch the DLSR until it almost shone from overuse. He looked up at the pendant hanging in front of him, a vintage metal Snoopy he had picked up on a trip to Chicago a year ago. He had chosen Shen Zhi's Levante because, being a private car, it didn't need to maintain a professional image like the other business vehicles. Xu Yan had asked if he could hang the Snoopy there, as it matched the car's colour and the car wasn't often used. As usual, Shen Zhi couldn't be bothered to respond, so Xu Yan carefully hung the Snoopy there.

Of course, he had ulterior motives – the back of Snoopy bore his and Shen Zhi's initials: SZ&XY. Xu Yan had specifically asked the shop owner to engrave it. He didn't know if Shen Zhi had noticed the secret on Snoopy's back, but he probably had not. If he had, Snoopy would likely not have survived until now and would have been ripped off long ago.

Who knew how much time had passed when Shen Zhi, with one hand on the steering wheel, finally spoke without looking at Xu Yan, staring ahead instead and whispering, "Happy wedding."

"Huh?" Xu Yan turned to him in confusion. Shen Zhi's profile was very cold. He always looked cold, his temperament cold, and when expressionless, he could practically freeze someone to death. Xu Yan frowned and asked, "What?"

"Wishing me a happy wedding?" Shen Zhi finally turned his head, his gaze cold as he stared at Xu Yan, questioning him.

Xu Yan was stunned. He had indeed said those words and hadn't expected Meng Yuwan to pass them on. That was too thoughtful of her. He hadn't thought there was anything wrong with the sentiment; given the circumstances, he couldn't very well say he hoped they divorced soon. Xu Yan sincerely wished Shen Zhi a happy marriage, without a hint of falseness. The bitterness and pain were for him to swallow alone, it wasn't the first time, and it would pass.

"Yes." Xu Yan nodded, seizing the chance to repeat the sentiment to Shen Zhi's face. He said, "I wish you a happy wedding." He felt a bit lighter after saying it. When he had loved Shen Zhi to the point of madness, he hadn't imagined he would one day say such words to him, but now it was easy. That was good.

But after Xu Yan spoke, he saw Shen Zhi's expression grow even colder and had no idea what went wrong. It was Shen Zhi who was getting engaged, Shen Zhi who didn't love him. If it was because he hated hearing such words from him, Xu Yan could understand. The more he understood, the sadder he felt, but he just smiled and said, "Why are you looking at me like that? If you think it's bad luck for me to say that, I won't say it again."

Shen Zhi pursed his lips and stared at his right hand gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white. He suppressed his inexplicable anger and said, "You don't have to do this. I didn't know my mom had looked for you, or what she said."

"It doesn't matter, she didn't say much," Xu Yan replied lightly.

Shen Zhi paused and said, "Today she mentioned it to me, and I remembered you saying you saw our families having dinner together."

Xu Yan continued to stare at Snoopy, giving a light "mm-hmm" to show he was listening but nothing more. He didn't want to dwell on those matters anymore.

"If you're angry about the engagement, there's no need. I never..."

"Angry about the engagement?" Xu Yan suddenly interrupted, shifting his gaze from Snoopy to Shen Zhi's face. His expression was calm, but when he looked directly at Shen Zhi, there was a cold sharpness in his eyes. In all the years Shen Zhi had known him, he had never seen this look in Xu Yan's eyes, a look that could make one’s heart chill.

"If it's not about that, then what is it?" Shen Zhi asked, maintaining eye contact.

Xu Yan studied him for a few seconds and suddenly found it laughable. It wasn't Shen Zhi who was laughable, but himself. How could he have poured so much love into this relationship, only to be misunderstood and dismissed? The engagement was merely a trigger, the last straw that broke the camel's back.

"It’s many things," Xu Yan said, leaning back and closing his eyes. "But now it doesn't matter anymore. Do you understand? The reasons don't matter anymore, what matters is that I don't want to continue." Even if there were huge misunderstandings, even if Shen Zhi told him today that the engagement was off, what difference would it make? Would he go back to the past, to being treated coldly, getting ignored, and being hurt? Forget it, spare him. He was too tired to go through it all again, truly exhausted.

Maybe there had been moments of happiness, whether imagined or real, but they weren't enough. Xu Yan could no longer sustain himself on those fleeting sparks. He saw no sign that Shen Zhi would ever love him, embrace him, but countless times he had tasted the fear of being abandoned at any moment. Some people needed security in a relationship, and Xu Yan was one of them. He appeared indifferent, but deep down he still yearned for Shen Zhi to reach out and give him a sense of being cared for.

Finally understanding that some things could never be obtained, he decided to end it for everyone's sake.

"Do you think you lowered yourself to find me, but I didn't follow you back obediently and instead acted ungrateful, so now you're furious?" Xu Yan didn't need to open his eyes to know how awful Shen Zhi's face looked now. He smiled slightly and said, "But Shen Zhi, the feelings you made me experience in the past were ten thousand times worse than this. We're far from even."

After he finished speaking, he opened his eyes. The sun had set, and the cold winter night was closing in. The car window by the driver's seat was open, and it was very cold. Xu Yan didn't look at Shen Zhi. Instead, he sat up, raised his hand to hold the Snoopy pendant, and asked, "Can I take this with me? It's the only one in the world, and since you don't like it, wouldn't it be better to..."

Before he could finish his sentence, Shen Zhi, who hadn't spoken, suddenly released his grip on the steering wheel, ripped off the Snoopy, and threw it out of the window with a cold expression. The faint sound of metal cutting through the air followed, and the one-of-a-kind Snoopy disappeared into the greenbelt, without a trace.

Xu Yan stared out the window in a daze. Shen Zhi gripped the steering wheel with both hands, staring straight ahead, and said coldly, "It has always been mine. How I deal with it is my business."

"Oh." Xu Yan came to his senses and smiled faintly. "You're right." Just like his feelings, which he had given to Shen Zhi without reservation, only to be at Shen Zhi's mercy. Their relationship had never been equal. Perhaps Xu Yan should never have harboured any illusions from the start. Everything was his own doing, and he deserved it. Someone as delusional as he had no right to blame the other party.

Xu Yan was silent for a few seconds, then reached out, opened the car door, got out, and closed the door. Without looking back, he walked towards the neighbourhood. He didn't say goodbye, didn't utter a single word. This was really the end for them.

During dinner, Xu Yan received a call from an unfamiliar number. It was the organiser of a photography exhibition who had seen his work online and thought his style fit well with the theme of their exhibition. They asked if Xu Yan would like to participate. There would be many magazine editors and people from the fashion industry at the event. If Xu Yan was interested in pursuing a career as a photographer, it would be a great opportunity.

Xu Yan had heard of this exhibition. He thought for a second and agreed, knowing it was a rare opportunity to meet more excellent photographers and see their work. It would be a valuable experience for him. After hanging up, Xu Yan called Xu Nian and told him about it. Xu Nian agreed half-heartedly, and Xu Yan asked if he was up to no good.

"No, I'm driving. I'm almost at your neighbourhood," Xu Nian said. "My girlfriend made some cupcakes, and I brought some for you to try. I'll send some to Ji Huai later."

"You're delighted by a cake from your girlfriend," Xu Yan said. "Alright, hang up and drive safely."

"Okay." Just before hanging up, Xu Nian suddenly exclaimed, "Wow, this Maserati is nice..." He drove past the Maserati near the greenbelt, glancing at it. The car's lights were on, but he didn't see anyone inside. The owner seemed to have disappeared. Something seemed to flash behind the bushes, but Xu Nian didn't pay attention and continued driving.

The winter night was damp and cold, with dewdrops wetting the shoes and pant legs. Shen Zhi used his phone's flashlight as he paced back and forth in the greenbelt. His breath formed white puffs that quickly dissipated into the air. His hands were red from the cold, his throat itchy, and he coughed a few times, feeling unwell – Lack of rest and the cold had quickly given him a cold.

It was such a small area, yet he searched it ten times over without finding anything. His head began to feel dizzy. Shen Zhi pinched the bridge of his nose, gasping for breath, and suddenly saw a flash of light a few steps away. He quickly moved over, bent down, and his fingers touched the cold metal. He picked it up – it was the Snoopy pendant. Covered in dew and bits of grass, Shen Zhi shone his flashlight on it. Snoopy swayed, revealing the back with the engraved cursive English: SZ&XY.

Putting the pendant into his coat pocket, he returned to the car. The heater enveloped his cold body, and Shen Zhi placed his hands on the steering wheel. His right wrist, numbed by the cold, ached from an old injury. He lowered his head, burying his face in his arms, and coughed violently, shivering all over.

It was still cold. This year's winter seemed particularly harsh.

———

The author has something to say:

There won't be anyone who thinks Shen Zhi can immediately understand the path to winning back his lover, right?

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵

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Translator Notes

Please feel free to comment any mistakes I made so I can improve and do better as I go through the book.

Translated: June 14, 2024 by Angel

Edited: June 22, 2024 by Angel